Now that Spring is almost upon us, the yearly Fraternity Eggs have been laid. These large eggs, commonly confused with old bean bag chairs, can be seen mainly on Strathmore Dr, where they incubate among the large piles of trash and discarded furniture outside the houses.
These large egg sacs are large and brown, their surfaces stained with mysterious small spots of green, yellow, and white. The pledges grow inside the eggs, resembling novelty chairs that molded from years of neglect and abuse that were hastily discarded on the sidewalk that your friend Sarah might have once sat on at a date party. But don’t worry, they’re just large eggs with lots of embryos inside them.
Come early Fall, the eggs will sprout the new pledges, with a few hundred possibly sprouting from each sac and skittering out into Westwood. pledges are usually skinny and pale due to the lack of sunlight or culture, and screech constantly in order to attract food and trap mates. “I saw it once,” said local student Annie Barker, “the screeches were unbearable. Imagine regular frat guys but a higher pitch, like a demon mermaid.” It was discovered that the fraternity pledges were actually more closely related to bugs than humans when two brave sorority girls (who’ve since been linked to birds) caught video of the head Sigma Epsilon members laying the eggs. “It was horrifying, like a mouse giving birth to a grapefruit,” said one of the girls, wishing to remain anonymous.
In any case, we advise that passersby do not attempt to touch the eggs. They will most likely disturb the yolky pledges inside, risking the contraction of venereal disease, which the eggs utilize as a natural deterrent to predators.