BRENTWOOD, CA — After delivering a lengthy tirade on the Starbucks Corporation’s desecration of Christmas, Grandma Lynn nearly suffered a stroke when presented with a vegan Thanksgiving turkey.
Sarah Moore, 26, was hosting Thanksgiving dinner for the very first time in her new home. Moore converted to veganism her sophomore year of college and has been honing her cruelty-free culinary skills ever since. She was excited, though a tad nervous, to be presenting a completely vegan Thanksgiving dinner to her very traditional American family.
Grandma Lynn was already suspicious when she noticed the shining, poreless skin of the tofurkey.
“I said to my Sarah, I said to her, ‘Now I don’t trust any bird that looks like it skinned Jane Fonda and is wearing her like Barbarella’s suit.’ And imagine just how shocked I was when Sarah, who was raised to be a good little Methodist, told me that it was Satan’s turkey.”
“It’s not Satan’s turkey, it’s seitan turkey!” says Moore, laughing in a poor attempt to disguise her fresh disenchantment with the holiday season.
Lab reports have confirmed that the turkey in question was indeed not a fowl of the Antichrist but rather a mass of gluten carved to resemble actual sustenance. Grandma Lynn, however, remains unconvinced.
“God created the animal kingdom for us to eat. If you’re using special chemicals and witchy hocus pocus to make your own version of a living animal, you’re spitting in God’s face and saying, ‘Hey old man, I don’t appreciate you!’ You think you can be just like God and make your own animals in a lab, well, sir, you cannot, no sir you cannot.”
Grandma Lynn also offered a few thoughts on her granddaughter’s general dietary choices.
“I don’t know what this newfangled veganism is. I’ve told Sarah that if she’s doing this to slim down, I have a bottle of Speedy Zoom Zoom pills that will trim her waist in a snap. She says she’s doing this because it’s more ‘energy efficient.’ To which I say, well, are you a lightbulb? Are you a refrigerator? What in our Lord and Savior’s name do you need to be energy efficient for?”
Grandma Lynn says that she will be praying for a week to atone for her ingestion of Satan turkey, but only after she nabs that 72-inch OLED display flat-screen on Friday morning.
Illustrated by Colin Tandy