Guide to Winning a Boxing Match by Someone Who Doesn’t Watch Boxing

The MGM Grand in Las Vegas hosted one of the largest boxing matches in history last night: Mayweather vs. Pacquiao. The event was so hyped up that many people who weren’t familiar with the sport found themselves tuning in regardless. I was one of those people. A lot of people seemed to not understand the outcome of the match, in which Mayweather was declared the definitive winner in what seemed like a decently even fight. To help make sense of this result, I’ve compiled a list of criteria which the fight is scored on based on what I saw last night. Here is the breakdown I came up with.

1. Having a Ridiculous Posse

Pacquiao made a strong showing in this category by having Jimmy Kimmel hopping up and down behind him as he walked out. It wasn’t enough, however, as Mayweather was able to recruit BOTH Justin Bieber AND the Burger King Mascot. Mayweather was clearly on top of this round.

2. Not Smiling

It was clear Mayweather had been preparing for this part of the sport all his life. Through all twelve rounds and even during the pre-game festivities, Mayweather did not let one grin slip onto his face. Pacquiao, on the other hand, had a terrible showing for this category. He probably smiled more than he didn’t. All in all it was an obvious sweep for Mayweather in this category.

3. Running Around a Lot

One of the main focuses of boxing is showing how agile and quick you are. Mayweather demonstrated this time and time again by running away from Pacquiao as often as he could. Pacquiao, sadly, only jumped around as he kept close to Mayweather. He certainly gained some points for it, but not nearly as many as Mayweather.

4. Hugging the Opponent

The last criteria I realized was being judged was the ability to show love to your opponent. It makes a lot of sense. When you’ve been pit against each other in such a violent environment, it takes the most strength to actually embrace your enemy. Mayweather was the clear champion in this category as well. Every time Pacquiao came in for a violent flurry, Mayweather took the high ground and turned it into an opportunity for unity. He won major points for this.
Note: This rule may seem incongruous with the rule against smiling, but it just goes to show the beautiful nuance inherent in this brutish sport.

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