Happy Valentine’s Day, from me, Cory. I know that for you single people out there, this lover’s day is not very easy. Well, it is for me, because I have a girlfriend. Fuck you.
I’m going to show up before her class today and I’m going to surprise her with flowers. She’s going to love it. Fuck you.
I hope that you take solace in claiming Valentine’s Day was created by Hallmark as a means to improve sales. It has not occurred to me as I am too preoccupied with my darling sweet girlfriend with whom I am very in love. Don’t let me take that away from you though. Whatever fleeting lie you need to hang onto in order to stay afloat in the abyss that is your loneliness. Fuck you.
She knows we are going to dinner, but it is a surprise as to where. It is going to be a really cool 60’s diner in Los Feliz and I think she will really enjoy it. You fucking sad sack. Fuck you.
You know what is better than buying discount candy on the 15th? Buying it on the 14th and presenting it to your loved one. But don’t let that stop you from eating 16 Ferrero Rochers out of a heartshaped box, you unloveable shit heel. Fuck you.
Look, I understand. Last year I too was a sad, stupid bastard. I spent Valentine’s Day babysitting. But this year, you’re the sad stupid bastard. So, fuck you.