Hollywood Men Misunderstand ‘Time’s Up’ As Acceptance Speech Parameters

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LOS ANGELES, CA — This year’s Golden Globe Awards was a more somber occasion than usual, as women traded their normal glitzy attire for sobering black gowns and men wore, well, basically the same thing they always do. All of the stars sported “Time’s Up Now” pins in protest of Hollywood’s exploitative and predatory culture, but only the female award-winners spoke out against harassment and assault in their acceptance speeches.

It turns out that the men’s silence on this issue is more innocuous than it seems; they simply misunderstood the point of the campaign. “I thought the ‘Time’s Up’ pins were just a friendly reminder to keep our speeches short,” said Alexander Skarsgård, winner of the award for Best Supporting Actor for his role as an abusive husband in Big Little Lies. “My role definitely brought women’s issues to the forefront of my mind and I was totally gonna talk about the current climate, but that button on my lapel kept reminding me that I was gonna run out of speech time.”

Aziz Ansari, who became the first Asian-American to win the award for Best Actor in a TV Show, was similarly confused. “I’m super stoked to be the face of change in Hollywood. I really wish I’d had the time to talk about the way we treat women in this business, though. I had this whole bit where I was gonna talk about how I have a mom and how my mom is a woman and so basically all women are my mom and thereby shouldn’t be harassed but it got cut for time. Tragic.”

Other award-winners from that night shared similar woes: “I didn’t realize what the all black was for,” shared an actor who preferred to remain anonymous. “I thought the women were just doing it to flatter their figures.”

An official statement from the Hollywood Foreign Press read as follows. “Silly men! We’re sure they’ll do better next time.”

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