If Dining Halls Were People

With its nationally recognized and award-winning dining halls, UCLA gives you plenty of options to treat yo’ self. The question is, to what? The dining options represent a vast array of culinary culture. Want organic food? Try Bruin Plate. Feeling continental? Feast at Rieber could be right for you. Or maybe you just feel the urge to throw up, to which I say would you rather do it at Covel or De Neve? The dining halls clearly have well-defined reputations, so much so that they sometimes seem like real people. Because you always wanted to know, find out which dining hall would be your BFFL if transformed into a UCLA student

 


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Bruin Plate: She keeps a signed copy of The Power of Now by her bedside, idolizes Gwyneth Paltrow, and is getting really into energy crystals. Her personality may come off as light and insubstantial, but that’s only because much like the serving sizes at this dining hall, it’s true. A fixture on the Los Angeles Indie music festival circuit and a devoted sorority girl to boot, Bruin Plate can’t wait to craft with you and tell you about the spirituality implicit in a non-gluten lifestyle.

 

Covel and De Neve

Covel & De Neve: Picture a collegiate aged Dudley Dursley with a fraternal twin brother, both of whom ended up at UCLA. Such is the physical manifestation of Covel and De Neve. This dynamic (and gaseous) duo has chronic pizza face and the sheen of perspiration on their foreheads. On Thursdays you can find them playing BP and rage cage at their frat house.On the weekend, you could attend a “very chill” UCLA Men’s Lacrosse party with them and get in on their “Call of Duty” tournament.

 

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Feast at Rieber: Where hasn’t he traveled? China, Japan, Vietnam, Korea, India, Hawaii—Feast at Rieber is a jetsetter and the sophisticated friend you wish you always had. Like his dining hall counterpart’s menu, his fashion choices are hit and miss, but he always dons them boldly. Next year he is considering taking on the role of president for UCLA’s Model United Nations, but only if he can do so while studying abroad in Zanzibar and maintaining a banking internship in Taipei. He may be able to attend your fund rager this Friday, but also might be in New York City sampling chicken tetrazzini.

 

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Rendezvous: The girl who is always more than slightly behind the curve of good taste. With her graphic tee, boxy black skirt hitting mid calve, chunky clogs, and ankle socks, Rendezvous wants you to know she is hip with it, but just can’t quite get it right. In the same vein as her representative dining hall (serving imitation versions of Panda Express and Chipotle, themselves imitations of Asian and Mexican food), her cultural knowledge is a few decades removed from being authentically modern. This helps explain her affinity for over the top ‘80s catchphrases and neon fanny packs.

 

cafe1919

Café 1919: He looks like Chef Boyardee or maybe your creepy uncle Tony, but it’s just Café 1919. While he lives smack dab in the middle of the Hill, it seems dubious wether this  hairy Italian man in his mid-40s could really still be an undergraduate student or if he is just squatting. The homemade Italian meals he is known to cook for students in his spare time, especially his renowned lasagna bolognese, combines the unique flavorings of cheese and pasta with bloating and diarrhea.

 

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Bruin Café: It is 3 p.m., but B-Café won’t get out of bed for another two hours and an episode of Broad City later. In fact, she won’t get out bed at all until 1:55 a.m. except to go to her UCLA Radio reggae/Mac Demarco tribute show and to take bong hits, at which point she will realize food options are dwindling and her munchies are rising. B-Café can also be found waiting for late-night cheesy fries at Fat Sal’s and taking care of her blind cat, Bob Marley.

 

Illustrations by Sarita Zed-Schreiber

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