Inside the Empty Minds of Undecided Voters

As we draw closer to Election Day this November, the rift between Trump and Clinton continues to grow more and more divisive. Yet, despite these vast differences, over 19 million voters remain undecided. To better understand the mindset of these citizens, the Satyr staff interviewed Kenneth Abelmann, a construction worker from Cleveland, Ohio, as well as Julie Prescott, a small business owner from Whittier, California. Both had trouble operating the push/pull door to get into the studio.

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Satyr: So let’s get right down to it. How are you two both undecided this close to the election?

Prescott: They’re both awful. They spend so much time talking about scandals. But we need candidates who talk about important issues, like snakes and such.

Satyr: Oh, alright. So we want to break down specific opinions on each candidate. What are your thoughts on Hillary?

Abelmann: The thing is Trump said the Rock War was the worst decision we ever made and it was her fault. Frankly, we shouldn’t be throwing stones.

Prescott: Someone could get hurt.

Satyr: Did you say the “Rock War”? Do you mean the Iraq War?

Abelmann: I think I know what I said. Look, I may not have some fancy degree, but I’m here to talk about the real issues. Like how they get those ships inside those bottles.

Satyr: Okay, let’s try to get back on track. What about Clinton’s email scandals? Any thoughts on that?

Prescott: It’s despicable. These emails should have been secured. When the mail rockets are deployed, she should make sure the letters are taped on securely. We don’t want them falling over Russia or China.

Satyr: I’m sorry, are you inferring that an email is just a letter taped to a rocket?

Prescott: Please. I’m no fool.

Abelmann: They can also be sent through black magic, I may not have some fancy degree, but I think we all know the problems with that.

Abelmann proceeded to give himself moose antlers with his hands, nodding very intensely.

Satyr: Well, anyway … do you have thoughts on Trump?

Abelmann: He is definitely not fit to run our country.

Satyr: How so?

Abelmann: He doesn’t have the experience. Like does he know how to work the rain machine? We need rain to make food grow.

Prescott: And the president has a responsibility to deliver the morning paper to my doorstep, and I don’t think that Trump would know the first thing about that paper route.

Satyr: I’m getting the feeling you two don’t know much about the presidency at all.

Abelmann: Also, I get very upset when he yells into the black sound stick.

Satyr: The … microphone?

Abelmann: Please leave your fancy college lingo at the door. I may not have some fancy degree, but I know about the sound stick, sir.

Satyr: I … I just. I guess I’ll leave you with one question. Given everything mentioned on the news, if you could put one candidate on the ballot, including third-party candidates, who would you choose to elect?

Abelmann: I’d be happy to answer if you could clarify what “third party candidates” are.

Prescott: And “ballots.”

Abelmann: And “news.”

Satyr: I think that’s all we need. Thank you both.

Abelmann proceeded to gather all of the pens in the studio while whispering “Paper

Food” as Prescott once again struggled with the push/pull door.

Art by Colin Tandy

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