LEAKED: An Email Conversation Between Gene Block and His New Assistant, Jane

Our world-renowned Satyr IT department yet again hacked into Gene Block’s email (his password: “password”). They stumbled on this intriguing conversation between himself and his new assistant, Jane. We hope the following exchange will answer some of your most pressing questions about both UCLA and Gene Block as a functioning human entity.

At 10:50 p.m. Block writes:
Dear Jane,

Welcome to the team. To start off, can I have you schedule my student office hour for the quarter?

Best,

Gene “The Genie” Block

At 11:05 p.m. Jane writes:
Mr. Block,

Thank you very much. And yes, absolutely. What time would you like to schedule the office hour?

Jane

At 11:36 a.m. Block writes:
Dear Sweet Cheeks,

8 a.m., like usual.

Best,

Gene “The Rock” Block

At 11:40 a.m. Jane writes:
Mr. Block,

Are you sure? I feel like students will be more available later in the day.

Jane

At 12:04 p.m. Block writes:
Dear Honey Butt,

Of course—that’s the point. I don’t have time to meet with students. I tee off at 8:30.

Best,

Gene “The Mean” Block

At 12:10 p.m. Jane writes:
Mr. Block,

Sir, we haven’t actually picked a date for the office hour yet, so we can set it for a day when you aren’t golfing?

Jane

At 12:40 p.m. Block writes:
Dear Sugar Bum,

You’re new here, so I don’t blame you. I golf everyday. It’s part of the job. It’s actually a majority of the job. That, and making the occasional appearance at public events. That being said, I also need you to write me a commencement speech for the upcoming graduation. Keep the words short, please. I’m not trying to talk for too long. I have a cocktail engagement at 7 pm.

Gene “The Hawk” Block

At 12:42 p.m. Jane writes:
Mr. Block,

Thank you for your understanding. Seeing that we have also not set a date for graduation, I will take it that you have a cocktail engagement every night as well.

Jane

At 12:55 p.m. Block writes:
Dear Debonair Derriere,

Now you’re getting it. I’m glad you’re picking things up so quickly. I also noticed that it just hit 1:00 p.m., which means I’ll be heading out of the office, so please answer any calls for me. If any are about the rise in tuition, let them know that I’m currently working on the issue. Also remember that you won’t be able to contact me for a while since I’m using the bonus I received last year to treat my wife to a trip to Hawaii.

Gene “The Queen” Block

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