Life Hacks (for Assholes)

This isn’t like the other “Life Hacks” you’ve read online; we’re not going to tell you how you can use your bread clip as a tampon or some shit. Instead, this is how you can take advantage of human weakness and stupidity like the alpha male you were meant to be (or alpha female; we’re assholes, not sexists). Read up, go outside, and conquer.

life hacks

Illustration by Marcie LaCerte

  1. These days, it seems like sending links is how boring people communicate. Whether someone sends you a mediocre stand-up routine, a crappy indie song, or some “world-changing” Ted Talk, here’s how you deal with getting this garbage. Click on the video’s halfway point and watch for 10 seconds, and comment on something there to your friend. Then, watch video’s last 20 seconds, and comment on something there to your friend. Done! Your boring friends will think you care, and you can get back to not caring.
  2. Having trouble finding good evidence for an essay you’re writing? Write a quotation that sounds fancier than your normal writing style, and attribute it to some made-up article from a well-known journal. There’s no way your TA has time to check every single source you have.

“It has been consistently demonstrated across multiple disciplines that uninformed graders fail to recognize novel quotations over 80% of the time (Aguilera, 2009).”

  1. Tired of hearing Beethoven and Bach because your roommate’s Pandora stations are all set to the 1700s? Next time she goes to the bathroom, sneak over and try Add Variety: Rick Rossit won’t show up on the station window. Once she hears the Brandenburg Concertos followed by “Hold Me Back,” she’ll never trust Pandora again.

  2. Check your Facebook on Mother’s and Father’s Day; people will post sappy pictures of their families with quotations and ridiculous amounts of “<3″‘s. Take a close look at your crush’s parents. You can now imagine how they will handle age. Keep track of whose hotness is a limited resource.

  3. The first time you meet someone, do something mean to them, but later apologize. They’ll think you’re a kind, self-aware person.

Hey, Joanna? I’d like to apologize for calling you “Gingersaurus” this afternoon. It was childish and wrong of me. I hope that you will forgive me for my mistake, and that I’ll make a fine husband for your granddaughter.

  1. During UCLA’s election season, carry around a clipboard with tally marks. Tell Party advertisers that you will vote for the people who bother you the least.

  2. Ever have to do the sidestep dance to avoid walking into someone? To avoid this, yell “Go left!” the second you see it about to happen, then walk to your own left. If he does it correctly, you two won’t crash, and you’ll seem like a good leader. If he does it wrong and confuses his left with his right, he’ll be the only one feeling like an awkward idiot.

  3. Eat a lot of food about three hours before going to church/temple/synagogue. Hold in the ensuing food baby until the sermon gets to the boring part. Suddenly, you’ve got the perfect excuse to step out! Enjoy your 10–15 minutes on the porcelain throne while the rest of your congregation stays stuck chanting in a dead language. ♦

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1 comment

  1. D Trump

    You need better sociopath evil life hacks.. I want to know how i can legally take someone else money with out earni g it. I want to fuck everyones wives. I want to learn to be the average slug asshole evil prick. Success being the ultimate benifit.

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