Lincoln, McConaughey in Groundbreaking Partnership

NEW YORK— In its typical avant-garde fashion, Lincoln Motors unveiled a new navigation system on Wednesday that foregoes geospatial guidance and instead provides philosophical directions.

“Enough,” said Lincoln representative Andrew Meyser as he polished off a 64-calorie Michelob Ultra in his Los Angeles office, “enough with nav-systems taking you down the wrong street, making you late, spoiling your day.”

The announcement of the new system came shortly after Lincoln forged a partnership with actor-philosopher Matthew McConaughey last month.

Gesturing to a life-size mannequin of McConaughey that he keeps in his office “at all times,” Meyser explained how the system will work.

“Once you put in your destination, Matt will spit out a deeply relevant question or piece of advice that’ll put your laughably insignificant existence into perspective.”

Despite Meyser’s candor, he refused to comment on how the navigation system would actually help people arrive at their destinations.

“Nobody really knows where they want to go,” he said, absentmindedly caressing the McConaughey mannequin’s abs. “And here at Lincoln, we encourage that. For everything else, there are roadmaps.”

According to official reports, McConaughey has already finished recording a library of nihilistic responses, one of which has been released to the public.

In it, a disgruntled driver hungrily demands the whereabouts of the nearest Chipotle, to which McConaughey responds: “Sometimes, [long pause] you gotta go back, before you can go forward.” ♦

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