A List of Crimes You Could Commit and Still be a UCLA Professor

Most jobs have a strict “don’t be accused of sexual harassment” policy. UCLA, however, is one of the few employers that have taken a brave “sexual harassment accusation? What are you talking about?” stance on the issue. UCLA has recommitted to this stance by reinstating history Professor Gabriel Piterberg who was accused of sexually harassing two of his grad students. It turns out there are actually a lot crimes you can commit, and not lose your UCLA tenure. It is suspected that this is due to UCLA’s tireless and heartfelt commitment to not wanting to look bad.

 

Stabbing a Grad Student with Garden Shears

As long as you hide the body well, UCLA has no problem if you do a little stabbing. Multiple people came forward against Piterberg, so even if multiple people say they saw you stab a guy with garden shears, UCLA will let you keep your tenure. Just don’t admit to the stabbing and your fine! Also UCLA has a strong “grad students aren’t actually people” policy, so you should be fine.

Stealing Small Dogs

But just promise you will never be alone in a room with anyone’s small dog again and you’re all good. You may think that agreeing to not be alone with small dogs might be suspicious. But if Professor Piterberg can teach as long as he promises not to have “closed-door meetings” with students, you can definitely teach as long as you don’t have “closed-door meetings” with small dogs. As to who’s monitoring if you’re spending any alone time with small dogs, well, you’re a professor, UCLA trusts you.

Cutting People’s Hair When They Aren’t Looking

Have you been getting a little frisky with the scissors lately? It’s all good, don’t worry about losing your UCLA benefits. Again even if someone says “Hey! You just cut a lock of my hair. Don’t do that”. Just tell them they are wrong, and then pay them 3,000 dollars for “not cutting their hair.” Now you maybe thinking “Isn’t paying them $3,000 a little fucking suspicious?”

You may think so. But Piterberg paid a 3,000 dollar fine for apparently “not sexually harassing grad students”, so you should be totally fine you little hair snipper. So, get ready for office hours! Because guess what?! You still have tenure!

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