BAKERSFIELD, CA— Kristen, a six-year-old kindergartener, watched C-SPAN every day for at least three hours for the past year. It has helped to improve her vocabulary, making her the most aware kid in her kindergarten class. C-SPAN also made her a liar.
Every children’s show has an agenda. Veggie Tales is all about religion. Rocket Power advocates that children live like vagrants. Spongebob is all about nuclear fallout following bomb testing in the Bikini Atolls during the Cold War. Ironically, the one station that offers shows that are not politically divisive is C-SPAN: the only network that shows politics without a slant.
A year into watching C-SPAN and only C-SPAN, Kristen began to change. The most recent debate over healthcare was all over the network. Since the start of the debate, Kristen has been to the school nurse fourteen separate times complaining of Ebola like symptoms.
“She would walk in and use words like hemorrhagic and emesis to describe what was wrong. Seeing that she was clearly not hemorrhaging or throwing up blood, I would send her back to class,” said the school nurse, Bernadette Winthrop.
Last month, Kristen began leaving class announced for “recess.” The school already has recess, but Kristen claimed that she needed to be able to free up time for her constituents. In reality, she used the extra “recess” to take the school’s money and charter a yellow bus to various Chuck E. Cheese’s.
Most recently, she has begun to bully kids in her class with big words she has learned from C-SPAN. When questioned about an incident where a girl ran to the principal crying, Kristen responded with, “I did not have lexical relations with that woman” .
Congressman Darrell Issa, whom was set to visit Kristen’s class to talk about government, abruptly cancelled his visit after finding out that Kristen knows what he’s been up to. He cited a family emergency. Kristen quickly pointed out to her class that Issa’s words were lies.
By Ben Ellerbrock