Man Dies On Machine At Wooden Center, Still Asked How Many Sets He Has Left


WESTWOOD, LA — Yesterday evening at 5 pm, Sophomore, Gary Meeks, suffered a heart attack in the John Wooden Fitness Center. Witnesses report that he collapsed mid-set on the bicep curl machine, and sources now say that over 10 people have approached the corpse, asking if he’s finished his workout.

Andy Dallas, an annoyed patron of the gym, had this to say on the matter: “This place has a natural order, and this Gary guy is just mucking it all up. He did around two sets on that machine and he’s been resting ever since. If you know that your break is going to be over 15 minutes, ESPECIALLY if it’s over 24 hours, you should at least have the decency to get off the machine. I mean honestly I could kill this guy for how inconsiderate he’s being. I guess it’s true that chivalry is dead.”

An anonymous school athlete told Daily Ruin that many others tried politely asking Meeks how many sets he had to do, but with no response they just resorted to awkwardly standing a couple feet away from the machine while looking at him, hoping he would get uncomfortable and finish his workout early. He explained, “It’s the protocol here. If you can’t ask them nicely, you just have to make them feel like an inconsiderate moron until they get the picture.”

As the week comes to an end, many are hoping the issue is resolved soon, so they don’t have to do their preacher curls unassisted. Staff Leader, Deborah Felks, echoed these sentiments saying, “I at least hope that once he completely decomposes, Mr. Meeks has the decency to wipe his machine down, so it’s sanitary for the other members.”

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