CEDAR RAPIDS—Daniel “Danderson” Anderson briefly understood his existence after reading a Buzzfeed article called “27 Things Only People Who Are 25 ¾ Will Understand”.
The 38-year old Anderson reportedly told both the Daily Ruin and his mother that “number four defines me. One through three ain’t right. Five I don’t understand. Six through twenty-seven are complete cockslop, but number four is pure, unadulterated Danderson.”
Anderson went on to say that Buzzfeed lists were important for 23 reasons, citing none.
“To be honest, the format of the lists is what’s so mesmerizing. Numbers—in linear order—wow. It’s incredible—how’d they think of that?” he asked, presumably rhetorically, before trailing off, crying gently, napping, waking, and adding, “It’s just so…Buzzfeed.”
Dan’s mother, Jan “formerly Janderson” Pfefferman told the Daily Ruin that “after Dan’s wife left him for my husband, Stan, Buzzfeed’s lists were the only truth we knew. We owe our wretched, simple lives to Buzzfeed.” Pfefferman who was, at the time, drunk beyond repair, added, “He’s not just my number—I mean, son—he’s my buzzfriend.”
“Before Buzzfeed, I had 31 reasons to kill myself,” said Anderson, “but the lists made me realize there is a reason to live—24, to be exact.”
Soon after this statement, a quizzical Anderson concurrently reached for a calculator and a handgun, followed by seven unsuccessful attempts to shoot himself in the head; the gun held six bullets. ♦
Go to buzzfeed.com/extraextrahorseshit to read more quotes from Danderson, including:
Buzzfeed Lists Destroy Completely Superfluous Lives
1,239 Things Only Jagoffs Who Read Buzzfeed Lists Will Understand
3 Reasons to NOT Quit Your Job and Pursue Art After 40: Your Kids