The people who spend more time on Satyr than on school.

Editor in Chief

Sarah Crosthwaite ’18 started writing cringeworthy political songs on bass in fourth grade. She has since stopped playing bass. Now she spends her time refreshing her email and running into Tracy Morgan at CVS. Sarah hopes to one day visit Bakersfield California for a soccer tournament, a right of passage she missed out on by being a woefully un-athletic child.


Assistant Editor

40918_1593815449001_1936882_nAsmita Paranjape ’17 hails from Boston, MA where she spent the late 90s rising through the ranks of the vibrant mob scene. With the fuzz hot on her tail, she fled west to Los Angeles, living under the guise of an incompetent Computer Science student. When she’s not shoplifting just to feel the familiar thrill of her criminal past, she writes encoded messages in her articles that her old gang might someday decode. Tony, if you’re reading, I still love you.


Assistant Editor

Libby Burke ’18 was born in the best city in the world, but quickly moved to the pitfalls of suburbia by the age of three. Officially known as Mary Elizabeth Burke, she is still confused as to why her parents gave her such a titular name, even though they have never called her that. Having grown up in Westchesta County, on the outskirts of New York, Libby, like any good East Coaster, is sarcastic and determinedly so. She has her mother to thank for this; her Middle School boyfriend always had to check with Libby when her mother was “being sarcastic or real”. Now her confused and naïvely Californian suitemates ask her roommate the very same question. Her twitter is libby_burke96.



Copy & Content Editor

Hailing from a small island off the coast of nowhere, Margaret LaGaly ‘18 began her overwhelmingly successful(?) trajectory from humble means. She single-handedly whittled and captained an exact replica of the Mayflower that set sail for Los Angeles on her fourth birthday. Margaret soared to immediate fame as the face of Hello Kitty’s millennial ad campaign. The child prodigy’s less glamorous gigs include “voice over work” for a well-known British “singer.” Yes, you read that right. Next time you see Adele at Hollywood Bowl, know that Margaret is actually in a small utility closet using a unreliably functional microphone to “belt it out” for your entertainment. The mops, toilet paper, and buckets of tears make for great acoustics. During intermissions, Margaret finds time to pen her next mediocre contribution to Satyr.


Writers, artists, pornography connoisseurs, and their ilk.

 “I do what I please, and I please what I do.” – Zane Kaufmann’s (’19) brother, Graham (right of frame).
image1Duck dynasty in the streets and Property Brothers in the sheets, Cory Peter Lane is a multifauceted sink. He uses his middle name, Peter, to distance himself from an erotic actress with his first and last names. He also uses his middle name to distance his first and last name as they are too close together. Writer, actor, comedian, there’s nothing Cory hasn’t not mastered.

Maegan Baby PicMaegan Lu ’17
 spent most of her childhood enjoying Smash Mouth remixes and convincing her parents that she could communicate telepathically with animals.  Such an existence left her poorly prepared for the real world and ill suited for college life.  Today, she can often be found holed up in her dorm, spooning her laptop, and occasionally letting it be the Big Spoon.
IMG_2263“As a child, Jaymie Parkkinen liked to partake in powerfully staged photo ops near potted plants. He grew up believing that hard work would pay off. But when he realized that hard work is boring and perseverance is really just for people who are too stupid to figure out an easier way to do it, he gave up trying to be successful and joined Satyr.”
gsmastheadGabriella Salerno ’18 loves America. A Boston, MA native, she’s also wondering ‘why she’s all the way out here in California’ and when asked would agree that yes, it probably does have something to do with the weather. In her free time, when she’s not busy meeting graduation requirements, she can be found drinking smoothies and enjoying the rush of cancelled plans.   

“Put simply, I am deeply successful.” — Sarita Zed Schreiber (’18)

mugshotAfter earning a Bachelor’s degree in Fashion Merchandising from UCLA and then going on to obtain a law degree from Harvard, Elle Woods decided she could best put her skills to use by returning to her alma mater and writing for Satyr.