Recently, the Communists at the National Low Income Housing Coalition flooded the internet with their pinko propaganda. They cited a statistic proclaiming, “There is no state in the U.S. where a 40-hour minimum wage work week is enough to afford a two-bedroom apartment.” Many were outraged by this “finding” and believe it calls for an increased minimum wage.
Our low minimum wage sends a powerful and inspiring message: America doesn’t like poor people. And America can’t start liking poor people, either. Those aren’t the principles our forefathers died for.
Our economy was born out of the idea that if you’re smart and you work hard, then you won’t end up with a humiliating job like those people who bag your groceries. If the people who bag your groceries are lounging around in two bedroom apartments, then what will you, a smart hard working person, have to feel good about. It’s even possible that if you raise the minimum wage high enough, you might, God forbid, lift people out of poverty altogether.
In response to this threat, leading economists have proposed that we maintain clear class divisions to ensure that the entire economy doesn’t collapse into chaos and equality.
To implement this theory on the ground, we must keep the minimum wage low so as not to enable cashiers and dishwashers to live in ritzy, flashy two-bedroom apartments or have things like “space.” Space and room to be comfortable have always been known as symbols of wealth, and for good reason. After all, the rich need space for all their fancy gizmos like furniture and dignity; the kinds of things foreign to the poor.
But this is not to say that poor people are not valued in America. We do value poor people, at $7.25 an hour. That’s almost enough to buy a bottle and half of aloe water from Pressed Juicery. But what’s more, the poor serve a vital structural role in the U.S. economy because, ultimately, you can’t have a top without a bottom.
So go ahead, World, give America your tired, your poor, your huddled masses. But make sure your poor masses are, in fact, huddled so we can squeeze them into a one-bedroom where they belong.