Nation’s Rectums Clenched in Anticipation of the Next Four Years

In an intimidatingly recent study published by the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, it has been found that, “[at least] 86% of U.S. citizens’ rectums have been collectively and tightly clenched in the week leading up to Donald Trump being inaugurated”. It appears that the tension resulting from the impending presidential inauguration is so high that asshole relaxation is on a related low, with scarce records of anything coming close to a loose, relaxed anus.

“After that whole shitshow of an election process, I don’t know about what’s coming next,” said area local Ronald Davis, whose voice was audibly shaking from the force of his clenching. “It’ll be fine, it’ll be fine, I mean it has to be fine.” That’s Margaret Stevens, a barista from Glendale, and like others who’ve participated in the study, has got a lot riding on social services not being cut and nuclear annihilation not being induced via tweet. Reportedly, Stevens can’t run very fast or sit comfortably for long periods of time, because of all her anal squeezing out of uncertain terror.

No one can deny that this next presidential term will be scary and uncertain, already with reports of unspecified Russian relations, no real plan for the POTUS’ platform, and a GOP-majority in Congress. So suffice it today, it’s understandable that many people will most likely continue to have a puckered sphincter for the coming days. In areas like Silverlake and Echo Park you can hear keys and belt buckles jingle from the massive amount of cheek-squeezing.

Not all are as squeezed in mind as they are in ass, however. We talked to David Garber, a researcher from the Geffen School of Medicine. “Listen, just because we as a society have divided ourselves politically, putting ourselves into safe echo-chambers where our views aren’t challenged. Yeah, Trump’s an awful example of humanity, but there’s no medical connection to clenching your butt and changing the outcome of the next four years.” And when asked about the state of his asshole, “Oh yeah don’t worry it’s as closed up as a store on Christmas.”


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