Hello, my name is Cory Peter Lane and this is an open letter to the Students with Disabilities Committee and the Animal Sciences Department. I need you to develop a service dog who will aid with my uncontrollable farting in class.
This condition is truly affecting my studies. My constant flatulence not only distracts me from my course work, it distracts my classmates around me. In the often quiet environment of a lecture, it is nearly impossible to eak out a squeaker let alone rip on a blaster. Each and every time I raise my hand, get up to let someone scoot past or lean forward to pick up a dropped pencil, I am putting myself in danger of calamity.
I write this letter not just to share my woe, but to propose a solution. I believe that my situation can be accommodated by a service dog, but not just any service dog. I believe that if one were to use the same training that epilepsy service dogs receive, scientists could develop a system where a canine could spot and recognize an oncoming sphincter whistle. The dog would then alert me, the supposed farter, of my impending flatus and proceed to cover up the cacophony by barking. Much like farting to the beat of the bass at a party, the tooter is free to let loose to their delight. Upon commencement of the brown song, the dog would stop barking and all would be free to return to business as usual.
Unfortunately, at this time I cannot propose a solution to the service dog’s own farts, I can only assure you that the relief the dog provides me will more than outweigh any nasal discomfort felt by my fellow students.
I know that there are not funds so readily available to fund such a project, but I think research in this area would benefit myself and all the ass-clappers of the world. No longer shall we have to live in fear. With our noble companion by our sides we can fart on, fart forward and fart freely.