I Am A New Born Baby And I Am Against Public Breastfeeding



Hello Internet, my name is John Michael Louis Reeves. I was born last month, and I’m so excited to be alive and have two extra names! I’m fascinated by everything that’s happening around me. That fireball in the sky? What’s up with that? Boxes on wheels that magically take you places? Fascinating! I’ve got so much left to learn!

The one thing I know for sure, though, is that I love my mom. She tucks me into bed every night, wakes up to lull me to sleep every time I cry, and puts all of her needs aside to make sure I’m living my healthiest and happiest life. I’m in awe of her 99% of the time, but when she takes out her tiddy in the middle of the park to appease my primal cries for nutrition, my first thought is, “Damn, woman! Put that sexual, arousing sex object back into your garment of shame!”

Now, I know I need the nutrition, and that being breastfed will give my immune system and cognitive function a huge boost that will affect my health for the rest of my life. But when the guy sitting across from us wearing an “I love Boobies” bracelet starts berating my mom for using hers, I can’t help but accept his authority on the matter. I mean, why does she have to breastfeed me at the park? There’s a perfectly good half-full bag of Lays by that tree that she can just chew up and spit into my mouth like we are a pair of sparrows.

Now, my mom keeps a blanket on hand when she’s in a public space to maintain her privacy on her own terms. But who cares about that?! The community at large knows what’s really going on here, and they’re pissed. Also, the plaid wooley blanket she uses is kind of tacky. I’m more of a monochrome, cashmere guy myself.

Look mom, I get that you’re tired. It’s hard to climb the corporate ladder with a newborn baby attached to your hip, but try harder. In addition to being a perfectly-balanced, nurturing and successful woman, it is also your job to keep people’s socially-ingrained aversion to natural processes at the forefront of your decision-making. Do better.


Illustrated by Marion Mosley.

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