New Teen Driver Excited To Use Car Horn To Harass Women


NEW HAVEN, CT — This past Tuesday local youth Mark Sheffield, 17, was spotted exiting the New Haven DMV with some official-looking papers in his hand and a small wet spot on the crotch of his Vineyard Vines Cotton Jetty shorts. Reports say that he is “super hyped” to be utilizing his new privilege to operate motor vehicles by testing out the horn of his Toyota Corolla on female passerby.

“I’ve already found the perfect street,” says Sheffield, the wet spot on his shorts increasing in diameter. “It’s this one intersection near one of the local shopping districts. I’m going to cruise in loops around the block from 9:00am to 1:00pm on the weekends. That way I can catch groups of brunching women in their sundresses without their boyfriends or husbands there to beat me up.”

Sheffield says that he has been preparing for this moment since his eighth birthday. His father had taken him out to Dairy Queen in celebration and asked the adolescent girl behind the counter for her “peaches and cream.” Since that fateful day, Sheffield has been crafting and collecting perfect one-liners with which he can continue the legacy. He offered a few choice selections:

Hey baby.

Hey babygirl.

Hey honey.

Sick tiddy.

Sheffield’s friends and family are extremely supportive of his endeavors.

“Bro, I’m, like, seriously astounded by the poetry of Mark’s words,” says Bradley Carlton, Sheffield’s best bro. “Take, for example, ‘hey honey.’ On first read it seems superficial, mass-produced. But Mark is really working off of Warhol’s influences here. He’s offering commentary on the overinflated value of intimacy, this saccharine syrup to which centuries of formal love letters and sonnets have been reduced. It’s like, art in its purest form, dude.”

Mr. Sheffield also approves of his son’s body of work.

“I knew he was a chip off the old block.” says Huntington Sheffield, drying his eyes with his handkerchief. “It runs in the Sheffield family. In the old country, my great-grandfather had put Grandmama Francine under ether. She woke up to the Statue of Liberty slowly coming up on the horizon. The first words she remembers was Grandpapa talking about how he would give Lady Liberty his poor and tired johnson.”

Mark Sheffield’s mother and two sisters could not be reached for comment at this time.


Illustrated by Megan Hullander

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