It is that magical time of year when leaves start falling from trees and men and women nationwide lay down their razors to show their support for Prostate Cancer. I am, of course, referring to No-Shave November. This month is especially special because it is the one time of the year where people are celebrated for neglecting their personal hygiene. The other 11 months, if you just decide to stop shaving, you’ll become a pariah. But why do we Americans insist on being so clean? I say no more. And to help people embrace this idea, I have come up with 11 more months of the year where everyone can delight in the filthy, filthy fun.
January – January is kind of the year’s equivalent to a Monday. And on Monday, no one wants to get out of bed. So for this month everyone will just go to work or school in PJs. Don’t feel the need to brush your hair, after all, you just got out of bed.
No-Floss February – In honor of the unheard advice of dentists everywhere, no one will floss their teeth this month. If you already don’t floss, then congratulations on a job well done.
Million Trash Can March – In this month, everything that touches the ground is trash. You drop a book on the way to class? Throw it in the trash. Your pants are sagging too low and touch the ground? Take ‘em off homie, they’re trash now. You see anyone fall? Direct them to the nearest waste receptacle.
Ape-ril – Our closest animal counterparts, the great apes, seem to have a good system of grooming going. So to honor them, everyone will be assigned a partner in March that they will groom, and vice versa, with their fingers.
Tooth-Decay May– To raise awareness for scurvy and English people’s teeth, no one brushes.
Cocoon June – In Cocoon June, instead of wearing clothes, everyone nation wide is supplied with a blanket and you just swaddle yourself in that all month. It is an all-purpose blanket, much like the Snuggie, and can be worn at home, at work, at school, and even in the shower!
No-Clip July – Everyone knows that fingernails keep growing even after you die, so why should we hinder them at all while we live?
Eye-Crust August – It is a part of routine that we seldom think about; we wake, and almost instinctively rub the crust out of our eyes. However, this is clearly disrespectful to the entity that put the crust there in the first place. I assume it is some creature distantly related to the tooth fairy.
No-Shower September – You knew it was coming folks.
Octoberinfestation – In this month, when you see an ant, instead of destroying it with a maelstrom of Febreeze, extend some hospitality and show him to your pantry. Soon, he’ll bring friends and you guys can have a nice party.
No-Deo December – To raise awareness for that section of Bruin Walk that smells like cheese with B.O, everyone will try to match that scent to the best of their abilities.