North Korean Missile Gets Too Excited, Blows Early

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PYONGYANG —North Korea attempted its fifth missile launch of the year, on Saturday, following the annual Day of the Sun Parade, in which military equipment is driven through the capital city as a show of force.  It appears that the provocative imagery of tanks and soldiers was just too much for the young missile, as he was only up in the air for a few seconds before he blew his payload all over the Korean coastline.  

The Day of the Sun is meant to honor the founder North Korea and grandfather of the current leader, Kim Il Sung.  It is common practice for missiles to think of grandparents to last longer. But it appears in this case, the memory of Kim Il Sung, combined with the excitement of the holiday, just aroused the missile further.  

A recently leaked video from just before the launch shows the missile bragging about how long it will last.  The video includes the incorrect boast, “I’m intercontinental, baby.  I’ll be up for hours.”  Our fact checkers have confirmed that the average intercontinental ballistic missile remains in flight for only 32 minutes on average.  The missile in question, however, lasted a total of five seconds.

U.S. National Security Advisor H.R. McMaster had this to say about the incident, following a pregnant pause: “I think it’s a shame.  He was so excited to blow, and now I can’t imagine how embarrassed the little guy must be.”  He continued, “We just launched 59 missiles and they all hit that tight airstrip in Syria, but we’ve been doing it for years.  Our missiles know themselves, and they know their targets intimately.  The North Korean missile program is going through some changes.  Give them time, they’ll mature soon.”

North Korea is hailing the holiday missile test a success, while the rest of the world has officially declared the premature explosion a bust.  They remain adamant that when it comes to their next missile, they will have no problem getting it up.


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