FAIRFAX, VA — The recent mass shooting in Texas followed too closely on the heels of last month’s tragedy in Las Vegas. When pressed for an official response to the uptick of senseless gun violence in the United States, the National Rifle Association released an official statement in which they claimed that “the recent tragedies could have easily been avoided if the victims involved had been armed with more thoughts and prayers.”
The full statement can be read below:
In the wake of the tragic shooting in Sutherland Springs, Texas, there has been a nationwide cry for stricter gun control. However, the most pressing issue that the national conversation has not addressed is the lack of defensive measures on the victims’ part. The National Rifle Association firmly stands by our belief that the recent tragedies could have easily been avoided if the victims involved had been armed with more thoughts and prayers.
In this time of crisis, it is all too easy to become muddled in our panic. Many citizens are under the wrongful impression that more restrictive gun legislation would help bring down the numbers of violent shootings. Consider, however, the national outpouring of thoughts and prayers that follows each shooting. The overwhelming display of emotion holds so much awesome healing power that should really be implemented in public spaces in case of, rather than as a reaction to, acts of gun violence.
In the event of an active shooting, the National Rifle Association advises you to drop beneath a desk and onto your knees, close your eyes, and lift your arms towards the heavenly Father. Recite the Lord’s prayer and the Nicene creed as loudly as possible. Make sure the palms of your hands are pressed so tightly together that the space in between would deter even the most Catholic of priests. It would also be in your interest to include in your prayers, your sympathies, and best wishes to the people living in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria as well as Joe Harris, who is having open heart surgery next month.
Remember that the blame lies not in shoddy background checks, the numerous loopholes in self-sabotaged legislation, or the poor enforcement of the most basic protective measures. We Americans need to come together in these times and protect ourselves with the extremely effective thoughts and prayers that we are so good at offering in place of actual working gun laws.