On Sunday September 25th 2017, all six thousand members of the Freshman class attended Welcome To Bruin Life, the final activity of UCLA’s True Bruin Welcome Week.
As the students clamored into Pauley Pavilion, they glanced up at the jumbotron to read: “Becoming a True Bruin isn’t about the courses you take or the gear you wear. Rather, it’s a process of transforming into your best self”.
As they sat down and properly absorbed this multifaceted message, the ceremony officially kicked off with the live disemboweling of a pig. A symbol for the loss of innocence the Freshman will inevitably come to experience, the pig’s death was as bloody as it was spectacular. “These kids need to know what they’re getting into,” said our beloved and esteemed Chancellor Block in our backstage interview. “They’re going to look in the mirror a year from now and not recognize who they see. A screaming pig with its guts spilling out might seem appalling to them now, but after they’ve been casually asked to beatbox at a party enough times they’ll understand why we did this.”
Next came “Healthy Bruin Brain”, in which student volunteers depicted the climax of a panic attack through movement. As the dance morphed from a slow waltz to an increasingly frantic ballet, the lighting melded from a calm blue to raging red and orange, conveying an experience many students at UCLA are familiar to. “Although there are fantastic and readily available mental health services on campus, we like to try and get students to take care of themselves and become self-reliant individuals!” said Chancellor Gene as more student volunteers passed out trays of Prestige-laced blunts. As the dancers left the stage, he looked at me and said, “Looks like it’s my time to shine.”
Our beloved and esteemed Chancellor stepped onstage, ripped off his shirt to reveal a glistening physique, and soaked in the deafening applause. My god, I thought to myself. They don’t even know this man and they worship him on charisma alone. “Now it’s time for you pagans to learn the Bruin Bounce,” he screamed, fists raised to raucous applause, “a ritual all Bruins must learn if they want to call themselves members of this fucking community!” The Freshman were salivating until he said, “It’s real simple. You must, as a unit, nod your head at precisely forty two beats per minute in honor of Jackie Robinson. Now begin!” Watching six thousand double chins bobbing in perfect time- that’s something that will make you proud of your school.