LOS ANGELES–This morning, Dr. Ulrich Werfel, known for his recent discovery that chocolate does not have any actual alleviating effect on PMS symptoms, was found brutally murdered in his home. There are no current suspects, but the police say they do suspect more than one offender, due to the nature of the injuries.
We asked an LAPD officer for a statement, and while he was not allowed to give many details, he was able to say, “the scene was pretty scary. They didn’t leave a lot of evidence, but we did find a message written on the wall, ‘no uterus, no opinion,’ and there were chocolate wrappers surrounding the body. It almost looked ceremonial.” Regarding the cause of death, the officer was able to say, “the scariest part was the body. From a first glance, he had multiple stab wounds to his lower abdomen area, and we found a chocolate fingerprint stained note saying ‘you know why.’ It was super ominous.”
There has been significant blowback from Dr. Werfel’s discovery, with many women claiming that “he just doesn’t understand,” and that “science isn’t a reason for another man to tell us what to do with our bodies.” A group of women gathered outside his apartment just earlier this week holding signs, and some remained protesting at the scene. LAPD officers surrounding the home began giving the protestors chocolate, even tossing cocoa powder on them, which caused the crowd to calm down and disperse. We were able to talk to one woman before the crowd disappeared, and she stated, “it’s just so infuriating. Who is this ‘scientist’ coming in and telling me that eating chocolate doesn’t help my PMS? Honestly, this is just another example of men thinking they can tell us what to do with our bodies. What would he have said next? That binge watching Grey’s Anatomy and listening to Adele doesn’t help either?” ♦