I’m walking down the aisle. To my left, my family. To my right, The Queen, William, Benedict Cumberbatch. And in front of me, my future, my everything, my Harry. And then I wake up. Because it’s all just a dream. Now that Prince Harry’s officially engaged to Meghan Markle, I can kiss my wish for a royal future goodbye. Harry really doesn’t know what he’s missing out on, though. I could have given him some of the best years of his life, and I’m going to lay out exactly why.
She Wouldn’t Even Be Grateful for the Royal Lifestyle
Last time I checked, Meghan Markle was a high earning Hollywood actress, and I can’t help but think that being in the Royal Family wouldn’t be much of a change for her. Barely having to work? Everyone waiting on hand and foot for you? Playing Polo? None of these are foreign to Meghan at all. I, on the other hand, have never had more than $500 in my bank account and have never even seen a horse. Wouldn’t it just warm Harry’s heart to see me get acquainted with the royal ways not unlike Anne Hathaway in Princess Diaries 1 and 2? Don’t I deserve the boost in lifestyle rather than someone who already lives like that? I think you know the answer.
Meghan Can’t Even Do a Good British Accent (I’m Sure)
She may have been in Suits, but I don’t think Ms. Markle (all she will ever be in my eyes) could even hold a candle to my British accent. I’ve seen BOTH Robert Downey Jr Sherlock Holmes films, so I’m fairly qualified. I can pronounce “saw” with an r at the end and can even say “bollocks” without laughing. Harry’s going to feel awful homesick dating someone with a disgusting American accent. If only I could be his knight in shining impersonation armor.
I’m Great With Old People Who Think They Rule the World
My parents are like, 80, at this point so I know what it’s like for some crotchety senior to try and rule your life. Elizabeth can’t throw anything at me, that i haven’t already endured under my own tyranny. Plus I’m part of weekly bridge and bingo games in my community, so I can entertain that senile witch for the rest of her days, freeing up Harry’s days which could instead be spent walking around shirtless for me.
FINAL REASON: I COULD MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE, HARRY
Don’t think I don’t know what Harry really wants: the throne. I’m willing to do anything to get him there. I’ve watched two episodes of Game of Thrones and half of Ella Enchanted, so I have a fair bit of experience in the field of regal subterfuge. If he was married to me, I would be on the inside, I could do whatever I wanted to get my beloved to the top of the ladder, all he has to do is give me that ring. It’s up to him now. Harry, if you’re reading this I’ll be waiting for you. Shoot me an email and I’ll give you my parents’ house address. I await your correspondence.
Illustrated by Marion Moseley