LOS ANGELES—In a study published this Tuesday, researchers at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine revealed that 67% of cigarette smokers across the country are currently studying within the UCLA School of the Arts and Architecture.
“Our studies indicate that upper middle class art students with chopped and dyed hair, paint-smeared jeans, and an American Spirit tastefully pinned behind their pierced right ear outnumber all other cigarette smokers,” said the report’s lead writer, Henderson Albright. He added, “These students’ utter disregard of smoking’s numerous health risks further contributes to their reputation as care-free individuals who adore French existentialism, Jean-Michel Basquiat, and cats named Thelonius.”
The 38-page study stated, “Although intensive public efforts to combat smoking, particularly among younger demographics, have been successful over the last decade, they simply can’t defeat the fact that you can’t create the next great American oeuvre without puffing on a Viceroy in between brushstrokes.”
Data from the report also stated that virtually all UCLA art students have no ethical conflictions with tossing countless cigarette butts down sewers and funneling thousands of dollars to tobacco companies, as long as they can feel a little like James Dean.