OWENSBORO, KENTUCKY — Yesterday a local Walmart’s PA system broadcasted a strange message. According to the employees and shoppers present, it sounded as if the message was broadcast in Russian.
Investigators have tied this incident to a number of other hackings perpetrated by the Russian government within the United States. An unnamed representative from the FBI has told the Daily Ruin, “While there’s been bigger, even subtler hacks like C-SPAN, lots of folks are reporting that Walmarts, DMV’s, and Rite-Aids being targeted as well”.
As for what was broadcast over the PA in Owensboro, that’s been hard to nail down. Surprisingly, no customers present in the Walmart spoke Russian. “It sounded kind of like when I had that old AOL machine and all it’s angry sounds” said customer John Marshall. Local mother of seven, Chastity Grimes also weighed in, “If they wanted to get to us, why not just speak our language? I sure don’t know what he was saying, but good on him for telling it like it is”.
It seemed as if the hack would go over without being understood or deciphered. However, local eleven-year-old Ryan Hammond took a Snapchat of the store while the broadcast occurred, captioning the video, “lol look at everyone panic”. The same unnamed FBI representative, after procuring the ten-second video, was able to provide official translation of the recorded portion:
“…TOLD YOU NOT TO PRESS RECORD WHEN I’M NOT HERE. IT STICKS AND I CAN’T GET IT TO STOP. IT’S THE GULAG FOR YOU MISTER…”