Satyr’s Guide To The NCAA Tournament

March Madness is sweeping across the nation! As millions of fans fill out their brackets in anticipation of Thursday’s first-round tip off, we’ve highlighted our main contenders, bracket-busters, and nausea-inducers. Who you got?


Duke—Led by fiery guard Grayson Allen, who paces the NCAA with 2.3 players tripped per game, the Blue Devils are a serious threat to ACLs everywhere.

Michigan—After their plane skidded off the runway last week, this upstart squad is capable of surviving any horrific catastrophe or perennial college powerhouse.

Arizona—The Wildcats’ high-powered offense is fueled by a potent cocktail of performance-enhancing drugs and coach Sean Miller’s sweat.

Rhode Island School of Design—Incredibly proficient in Adobe Photoshop and Illustrator, RISD hopes to overcome its glaring lack of an actual athletic program.

USC—Despite the athleticism of forward Bennie Boatwright, the Trojans’ inability to play opposing universities in football during the tournament will hurt them mightily.

Brooklyn Nets—After winning a dismal 18.5 percent of their NBA games, the Nets desperately hope to capitalize on weaker college competition.

Villanova—Defending champs Villanova hope to become the least notable university to win back-to-back titles since Oklahoma A&M.

St. Mary’s—The only team to invoke the infinite power of God before every game, the seventh-seeded Gaels are miracle-friendly this March.

UCLA—Featuring the unique father-son coaching tandem of LaVar and Lonzo Ball, the explosive Bruins are our favorites to ease the restless soul of John Wooden.

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