Scalia Reunited With Father, the Devil

SATYR- ScaliaWASHINGTON D.C. — Justice Antonin Scalia was found dead at a resort Saturday. Although many Americans rejoiced upon hearing this news, no one was more excited than Scalia’s father, the devil.

“Now that Antonin is back in Hell, the place just feels home-y again,” commented Lucifer. “Honestly I love my son so much that I was hesitant to even send him to Earth. But I realized that he could do more evil up there than he could down here,” continued the fallen angel.

Lucifer was correct about his son’s abilities. Making corporations legally people, allowing the Boy Scouts to exclude the LGBT community, and exempting Hobby Lobby from the Affordable Care Act’s contraception mandate were just some of Scalia’s earthly accomplishments that his father was most proud of. Satan even hung up a copy of Scalia’s concurring opinion regarding Citizens United on Hell’s refrigerator door.

“I’ve really been enjoying having father-son bonding time every day. I missed that,” said the devil, with a noticeable tear running down his red leathery cheek. The two are reportedly catching up on their quality time by partaking in some of their favorite activities: tripping old people, watching cats get hit by cars, and slowing down UCLA’s wifi.

Although Lucifer did seem truly overjoyed to have his son back at home, he did add, “Things won’t be perfect until Teddy gets back too. Scalia might be my favorite spawn, but little Teddy Cruz is really a runner up.”

 

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