The Second Amendment Guarantees Me the Right to Own a Gun and to Get Physically Aroused While Holding One

A model 38/49 Beretta submachine gun carried by an Italian soldier patrolling the perimeter of a 6913th Electronic Security Squadron mobile installation during the Electronic Security Command Exercise DISPLAY DETERMINATION '85.
Hey America, does anyone remember a little something I personally like to call the Second Amendment? Here’s a hint, look right under the first one you fucking democrats. But if you’re not near a copy of the 10 commandments here’s a little refresher: the Second Amendment not only protects my right to own a gun, but also to get an incredibly hard, strong, BIG boner while holding one. Nowhere does it say I cannot do this.

I have an impressively high sex drive and any woman can and will tell you that. I am good at what I do. But when I’m embracing the freedoms affirmed to me as an American with my gun, Jamie, I get a boner so big it makes all my other ones look very small. Frankly my gun Jamie makes my dick so big and powerful that it’s straight up scary if you can’t handle it (I can).

It’s not a question of if I will have a boner while exercising my second amendment rights, it’s a question of when. Will it be the moment I feel the hard steel of Jamie’s handle pressed up against my thigh holster? Will it be when Jamie is resting in my strong white fist, begging to be loaded? Will I start having an erection when I slide my ammo into Jamie’s chamber and prepare to shoot 50 rounds of lead straight into my Saddam Hussein target’s face?

I am known for my excellent aim and accuracy on the range. When my dick is hard in celebration of the second amendment, my precision only improves and Jamie and I can take down many terrorists. This is not something I can do without my semi automatic assault rifle Jamie, or without my best friend Caleb who sometimes comes with me to shoot and hunt. All four of us get along great and Caleb, Caleb’s shotgun, Jamie and I have fun when we do this together.

The government wants to tell me that before Caleb and I are allowed to be hard in the woods together firing round after round, we need more laws. But if two best friends can’t do so much as stand ass to ass hard as a fucking rock while we shoot projectiles into the woods behind my house, what country do I pray for? Oh and there is nothing “sexual” about this. What’s sexual is all the different positions I have sex with my wife Jenna in. In fact most of the time I can’t even see Caleb’s boner under his protective cup and I’m not even aware that he has one until he describes it to me afterwards. Yes, exercising your god given rights requires the correct gear. And yes, blasting terrorists is a full contact sport which means a protective cup is a necessity for most people (I can’t wear one — my boner is so strong that it just flies off).

All I’m trying to say is certain government officials have made it very clear that they do not support the pro-gun legislation that equals a great big boner for me. They have made it very clear that they want to take me away from my cool expensive gun, Jamie. They have made it very clear that they “refuse to talk about my powerful erection” over the phone and through email. It kinda seems like everyone has forgotten that the Second Amendment not only protects my right to use my grandma’s hard-earned money to purchase a military M16 rifle that I breathed autonomous life into and named Jamie, and my ability to maintain a throbbing erection while praying to it.


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