WASHINGTON, DC– In recent months President Trump has escalated the nuclear crisis with North Korea via his verbal threats of “fire and fury.” This madman tactic, which his advisors say “is a deliberate method and definitely not his true insanity showing, we promise this is strategic,” has worried the public. The potential of nuclear war has been so troubling that the Secret Service has resorted to exploiting Trump’s inability to form any meaningful relationship in his life.
The President of the United States is always in close proximity to a briefcase that contains the codes to authorize a nuclear attack. It has been nicknamed “The Football,” which is ironic considering that Trump has undoubtedly never been anywhere near an actual football in his entire life. Although the Secret Service must have “The Football” available to the President at all times, there are surprisingly no written rules on disguising it as a least-favored child of said President. An unnamed Secret Service agent gave insight to The Daily Ruin on how the team’s ingenious idea has thus far prevented Trump from starting a nuclear war.
“It was actually quite simple,” said the designated carrier of the briefcase. “All we had to do was vaguely dress it up as Tiffany (Trump’s youngest and least-admired daughter), and Trump immediately stayed away.” The process of disguising “The Football” was fairly easy, considering Trump has only a vague idea of what Tiffany looks and acts like due to his absolute neglect to form any meaningful relationship with her. “We just took some yellow yarn for hair and hot glued it to a ball of styrofoam, and used some twigs as arms and legs. The torso was formed with the briefcase, and we covered it up with some felt for a makeshift dress.” Trump, as of yet, has failed to discover it isn’t really her.
The Secret Service claims that once their faux Tiffany creation was complete (only taking them about two minutes to assemble, since Tiffany has no interesting or memorable features), all they had to do was tell him it was his daughter to convince him that it was, in fact, her. “In that moment I realized we probably didn’t have to dress it up, and could have just told him that the leather suitcase itself was Tiffany and he wouldn’t question it”. So as long as the yarn stays somewhat in place and those twigs continue to vaguely resemble limbs, a first strike nuclear attack by the President seems to be unlikely…for now.
Article by Emily Orlich
Illustrations by Jakob Kiebach