WESTWOOD, CA — Multiple reports confirm that a serial non flusher —one who seeks gratification by purposefully rejecting the practice of flushing and eliciting discomfort and suffering in unsuspecting bathroom goers—has struck again at Lu Valle Commons. After countless reports of nonflushing incidents at Lu Valle, it is clear that the site has become a favorite target of the perpetrator. Students and restroom patrons all over North Campus live in fear of when and where the nonflusher will leave behind a heaping pile of shit next.
“It has really been driving customers away,” revealed an ASUCLA representitive. “People are afraid of using our bathrooms now, and that’s a problem because the food we serve here pairs best followed by a trip to the bathroom. We need the perpetrator to take responsibility for their body’s actions and please flush. It only takes a few seconds. What kind of monster just walks away from that?”
The representative went on to explain that several custodians have united in solidarity to protest against having to always flush away the leftover shit when no one else will.
“I used to go to the bathrooms at Lu Valle because it was the closest after grabbing my morning coffee,” confessed a law student, who has asked to remain anonymous in the wake of these attacks. She has been a victim to nonflushing on several occasions now.
“It’s scary, you know? I just never know what’s going to be there when I push open that stall. I try to be optimistic and hope for the best—hope that whoever has been doing this has changed their ways and has decided to flush out of respect and courtesy to their fellow man—but I constantly find myself having to face the toilet bowls of someone who is full of hate and sometimes corn and wants the world to see it.”
She told us that she now goes out of her way to use the bathrooms in Magowan Hall despite the extra distance, citing that it’s the only place she feels safe because “theater majors don’t poop.”♦