Hey y’all, it’s Liz, and I’m back with a new tip that’s gonna change your life!
Is your girl squad falling a little flat? Were you unable to drum up enough conventionally attractive and successful people to star in your next action-packed music video and bake sugar cookies with you? Well never fear. This one trick led me to friendship fulfillment, and it’ll change your life too.
That’s right, I’m talking about stealthily replacing each member of your girl squad with a military operative. Not only are our country’s military personnel well-trained and apt individuals, they’ll also be ready at a moment’s notice to protect your ass in the event that it needs protecting.
Remember all the times that you and Britainknee went out and you had to walk through blocks of shadowy alleys with her wasted self in tow? Well walk in fear no longer! Simply hire a sniper to shoot Britainknee in the carotid, and then have said sniper replace her as the newest member of your girl squad! I know what you’re thinking: who wants to hang out with someone who carries around the cumulative emotional baggage of an entire career’s worth of government-ordered killing?! But trust me, your sniper’s thousand-yard stare and obvious mental trauma will make the perfect moody subject matter for that 35mm Instagram series you’ve been meaning to start.
Riley’s up next. The adventurer of your squad, she’s well-traveled in the English-speaking world, and just loves indoor rock climbing. Kill her. Then replace her with a Navy Seal. You’ve gotta level up to real terrain at some point; let your Seal take you to new heights.
Hate to tell you this, but your bougie friend Brie has got to go too. Replace her with a member of the Coast Guard! We get it, you cherish Brie for her “coastal elite” vibe and her classically chic nautical outfits, but your new Coast Guard gal pal will have that all locked down! Plus, her yacht is armored.
Finally, to round out your replacement spree, swap out the generic dude that hovers around your squad when you go out with to an actual military helicopter. Both are loud and annoying, but at least the military equivalent makes a sweet getaway ride.