Sneezing Number One Cause of Auto Accidents

SATYR-Sneezing-Car-AccidentLOS ANGELES – A study recently done by three extremely intelligent UCLA students found sneezing to be the number one cause of car accidents in the United States.

The study was prompted by a surge in car accidents during cold season. The Santa Ana winds have sent large amounts of pollen swirling all over Southern California, causing a plethora of sneeze-induced accidents. But there are high hopes that the heavy rain caused by El Niño (enhanced by global warming) will calm the pollen and lower sneezing rates.

Sneezing has now surpassed texting, rain, and clutching (subsequently spilling) a steaming Peppermint Mocha in its signature red cup as leading causes of accidents.

Brett Fuller, a senior at UCLA, testified to the dangers of sneezing saying, “I sneezed in the car once, and I swear I must have driven a city block before my eyes were open again. And that was in traffic.”

There is research being done to discover new sneeze-prevention measures. “As of now, the only option is to put a clothespin over your nose and hope your eyes don’t pop out,” said Kyle Turner, a nasal specialist out of UCLA.

The Old Wives, of Old Wives Tales Inc., advise the public to cover their mouths when they sneeze; otherwise, their souls may escape. Turner has assured The Daily Ruin that this is absolutely not true and that drivers should definitely keep both hands on the wheel at all times.♦

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