Sorry I fucked your wife when Mercury was in retrograde.
Honestly, you know I’m just an ~emotional~ Virgo trying to live my best life when my ruling planet is in retrograde, so can you really blame me? So, I fucked your wife, but come on man, she’s a Taurus and you’re a Sagittarius what did you expect with that kind of compatibility? An earth sign and a fire sign? No shot! Tauruses need stability. Ya know, like someone who will fuck her once and never talk to her again. Someone like me. Susan Miller said it’s basically a recipe for disaster and her horoscope for me this month said I needed to “take some chances” so it’s honestly not even my fault.
Martha lost her keys because of Mercury so I’m not the only one who is out of whack this cycle! Look man, I know your wife was having a hard time with the whole family dog dying thing, she just needed some tender Virgo loving to get her through the tough times.
You should probably know I killed your dog. Sorry, man, I’ll see you next retrograde.