Last Monday, I stepped into a Whole Foods for five minutes, and now I’m a licensed nutritionist. Crazy, right?! Well, you know what’s even crazier? Any crop that isn’t grown in a 10ft-by-10ft community garden is devoid of all nutrients. This friendly guy standing by the door with his clipboard taught me that. Who knew?! I also learned that the more foreign-sounding a vegetable is, the better it is for you. Go figure!
Thirty seconds spent in the supplement aisle showed me that you need to pump as many nutrients as possible into your body during your allotted time on this planet. This nutrient maximization is literally the sole purpose of life, and the higher your numbers, the better! Therefore, I advise taking 300% of your daily value of vitamins every day to increase your lifespan threefold. Start now and become immortal by 2020!
Next up was a rigorous sixty seconds in the beverage section. Did you know that drinking kombucha is the best way to get your gut bacteria (whatever that is) all nice and healthy. Apparently, the more microbes you’ve got in you, the better. With that in mind, I’d recommend picking things up off the ground and just eating them! Bonus points if it has mold in it–don’t miss out on that fuzzy goodness. Double bonus points if you get botulism!
Perusing the candy aisle informed me that sugar isn’t bad for you at all, as long as you scoop it out of a quaint, old-timey barrel in saltwater taffy form. Licorice is also an appropriate substitute. As long as it’s a product that nobody ate after 1950, you’re in the clear!
Finally, if you dress exclusively in Lululemon and berate your kid/friend/significant other for their dietary choices, they will be fifty times less likely to die of heart disease. The more you know!