Student Too Broke To Buy Adderall, Studies Ahead Of Time Instead


Westwood– Jeff McGuire was an average Bruin until one fateful day at Kerckhoff. Swiping his credit card to buy an overpriced medium drip coffee, Jeff’s card was declined. That was when the realization struck: Jeff couldn’t afford Adderall in time for finals. He had spent all his money on, well, other drugs.

This wasn’t the first time Jeff had run out of money. Normally he would just sell never-worn gifts on Free & For Sale. This quarter was different, however; he’s sold everything to afford drugs for Coachella. He didn’t even have a bed frame.

That was Week 8. Now it’s Week 10.

Finals are imminent, but Jeff isn’t stressed. He only had one option: to study a few hours everyday, between regularly scheduled meals and, after getting the recommended eight hours of sleep.

This has profoundly changed Jeff’s life. It’s Week 10 and he’s showering, but at what cost?

Jeff no longer knows how many tiles make up the floors of Powell. Last quarter, he counted them all. He was super focused, because of, well, Adderall.

Jeff has developed a keen sense of survivor’s guilt. He told the Daily Ruin: “All my friends smell and haven’t slept. They seem miserable. I should be miserable. I have abandoned my friends”.

Jeff has no friends. Most of the time, his friends are doing anything but studying, because of well, Adderall. They get distracted. His roommate, Johnny Jefferson, is mad at Jeff, telling us that he “… keeps calling old friends from high school, while cleaning our entire apartment, because of well, Adderall. I blame Jeff. Jeff wrote his essays ahead of time, went to office hours, and finished the study guide by the end of Week 9. Jeff isn’t bragging about how stressed he is. Don’t be like Jeff. Buy Adderall”.





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