LOS ANGELES— After second-year economics student Jonathan Humbert upgraded to the 19-premium meal plan this year, friends and family reported that he has become unrecognizable as a “power-hungry jerk.”
“After hearing Jonny complain about not having enough swipes last year, I decided to get him the best meal plan there was,” said his mother, Miriam Humbert.
“But now, whenever he’s home, he wakes me up at 1:00 in the morning and demands a Piña Brisa smoothie. I just want my old Jonny back.”
Jonathan’s meal plan has also placed a strain on his friendships.
“When we first heard he was getting 19p, we were all ecstatic because we thought he’d swipe us in,” explained Lisa Buren, a friend of Jonathan’s who lives off campus.
“Instead, he just hoards his swipes, citing Keynesian economic theories and the basis of swipes as currency,” Buren said.
When approached by a Satyr staff member for an interview, Jonathan waved his two-swipe B-Café sandwich at the writer and ordered him to “kneel, peasant!”
Jonathan is planning on running for USAC President under the platform “I have 19p, bitches.”♦