Students Disappointed Dance Marathon Failed to Cure AIDS


WESTWOOD—With Dance Marathon 2017 coming to a close, students have left the stale air of Pauley Pavilion exhausted and empty-handed. The Pediatric AIDS Coalition (PAC), even with hundreds of thousands of dollars donated, was unable to find a cure for AIDS yet again.

“I really thought just standing around with a group of perky white-students would make the cure for AIDS materialize in front of everyone’s eyes through the power of dance,” Ashley Johnson, a fourth year psychobiology major, admitted sadly.

“Yeah, I really thought when all the Hillel kids came that their religious zeal would rub-off on us all,” said Jacob Matthews, a third year economics student, “I totally thought that it would prove the existence of God, but then again I guess that the existence of AIDS in and of itself proves that there is no God.”

“I was a little suspicious when the hallways were filled with yoga and Zumba sessions,” Ashley Johnson reported, “like, if they were trying to find a cure for AIDS shouldn’t they have, like lab equipment? It was sus.”

“At the end, everyone was leaving Pauley without a cure,” Johnson reported, “I was just so frustrated that we put in all this hard work for nothing that I just started flailing my arms around and jumping around for an hour while PAC cleaned up. At least I left knowing I went the extra mile.”

We spoke to PAC President Jenna Kenna, asking her about the disappointing results.

“… Fight Fight Fight! We’ll do it next year! 8-Clap! Everyone who isn’t in Greek life is a loser! Do it for the kids! We’ll just have to dance for 36 hours next year, since there’s a clear link between dance and AIDS research! Go Bruins!”

Dr. James Judelson, the leading Pediatric AIDS researcher at Ronald Reagan, expressed confusion, saying, “Don’t get me wrong, we’re grateful for the financial support that PAC brings, but why put yourselves through that? UNICEF has it right, at least go Trick or Treating and get some candy out of it.”

PAC members have already begun preparing for next year’s effort, stopping by Home Depot to look at neon color swatches for their new t-shirts.

Quick Editors Note: Obviously, Satyr is in full support the work that PAC does raising money for AIDS research. They’ve had real success lowering transmission rates for a disease that has had such a devastating impact. Satyr totally applauds that. We do however think dancing is silly. We stand by thinking dancing is silly.

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