SEATTLE — In a study published this Tuesday, researchers at the University of Washington revealed that your girlfriend is “probably just fine,” despite the fact that you missed her birthday party last Saturday.
“Although you’ve been dating for nearly four months, a willfully neglectful action—such as missing her twenty-first birthday—can’t possibly derail this impenetrable relationship,” said the report’s lead writer, Dr. Carl Steinhart, adding that her refusal to text, call, or sit within three feet of you without tearing up is a “purely cyclical phase that will surely decrease in frequency in a matter of days.”
The 57-page report stated that her text, “No, you should definitely still go out with your friends tonight!” clearly absolved you of any form of wrongdoing. The study reads: “Your girlfriend, if anyone, can understand the importance of you going to a Clippers game with ‘your boys’ over attending yet another trivial birthday party.”
As to justifying the study’s claims, “honestly, if she was mad, wouldn’t she just say something? Right?” asked Dr. Steinhart.
Data from the report also suggests that the Simpsons-themed birthday card and twenty-five dollar iTunes gift card you slid under her apartment door two days after her actual birthday, as well as the thirty-seven voicemails you left on her cellphone, was “totally enough to soften her up by April.”