Subway Launches Revolutionary Delivery Campaign

MILFORD— Subway rolled out a new delivery promotion on Tuesday to compete with Jimmy John’s 10-minute delivery pledge. In a sweeping move to undercut the competition, Subway now guarantees customers a delivery waiting-time of no more than 60 seconds.

How do they do it? By putting a sandwich artist in every home.

The new campaign, officially called “Fresh, Fast, Forever” involves Subway dispatching its sandwich artists to serve customers in their homes, 24/7. Bold in nature and revolutionary in its ability to reduce delivery waiting time, Forbes has hailed the plan as a stroke of business ingenuity.

“We took a long, hard look at the industry,” said Subway Chief Executive Carsten Kohrs, polishing off the last bite of his foot-long Veggie Delite flatbread sandwich. “What we found is simply extraordinary: People hate waiting. And you know what? We’re gonna fix that once and for all.”

In a press conference later that day, Kohrs outlined the basic underpinnings of the “Fresh, Fast, Forever” plan, from hiring thousands of new artists to finding the right customer match for their new homes.

He stressed the fact that new customer relationships will not change “long-standing Subway traditions.” Sandwich artists will still be required to be “reluctant when applying the meats,” but must also accept certain new responsibilities around the house, for when sandwich demand slumps throughout the day.

Though the campaign was launched this week, loyal Subway customers throughout the nation are eagerly signing up online for their chance to score a personal sandwich artist. A quick five-minute survey outlining your sandwich preferences and the dimensions of your living room couch are all it takes to jump on board.

“My artist is incredible,” wrote UCLA biology student Stan Dorfmann in an official Yelp review. “Sure, I sometimes wish I had my own bed again or that my artist would give me just a little more Provolone on my sandwiches, but the world isn’t perfect.”♦

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