Tag: college

Avid Nail Biter Eats Hand

Westwood — Everyday, Scott Morris bites his nails while sitting in lecture. Today, he ran out of nails, but continued to chew. By the end of lecture, Morris had eaten his hand. The Daily Ruin caught up with Morris after…

On Opposite Day, Shrub Vomits On Student

  WESTWOOD, CA- For the students of UCLA, yesterday was Opposite Day and various things were happening out of the ordinary on The Hill. Last night, the Daily Ruin witnessed Opposite Day first-hand. Just as the first-year student Ricky Young…

Op-Ed: Thousands Enraptured at Welcome To Bruin Life

  On Sunday September 25th 2017, all six thousand members of the Freshman class attended Welcome To Bruin Life, the final activity of UCLA’s True Bruin Welcome Week. As the students clamored into Pauley Pavilion, they glanced up at the…

Translation Of A College Student’s Resume

Here’s how to make your summer internship, that your parents helped you get, sound a bit more impressive.   Resume—Revitalizing employee-to-employee work relationships via dynamic communication methods. Translation—Sending emails to Jessica in Marketing.   Resume—Decoding outdated documentation through the use…

Every College Social Group Claims Coke To Be Their Thing

Spring is in the air at UCLA, but allergies aren’t the only reason why students across campus have bloody noses. Whether it be your sorority’s pinning or your hipster-infused paint party, each self-segregated clique thinks they have their own special…

Experts Report Fun Part Of College Over Now

WESTWOOD, CA  — Popular perception of the American college experience as portrayed by the media is what experts describe as “fun” for “young people”. However, now that the first week or so of the new quarter has passed, researchers out…

Students Disappointed Dance Marathon Failed to Cure AIDS

WESTWOOD—With Dance Marathon 2017 coming to a close, students have left the stale air of Pauley Pavilion exhausted and empty-handed. The Pediatric AIDS Coalition (PAC), even with hundreds of thousands of dollars donated, was unable to find a cure for…

Satyr’s Guide To The NCAA Tournament

March Madness is sweeping across the nation! As millions of fans fill out their brackets in anticipation of Thursday’s first-round tip off, we’ve highlighted our main contenders, bracket-busters, and nausea-inducers. Who you got?   Duke—Led by fiery guard Grayson Allen,…

Study Shows That Girlfriend Is Probably Just Fine

SEATTLE — In a study published this Tuesday, researchers at the University of Washington revealed that your girlfriend is “probably just fine,” despite the fact that you missed her birthday party last Saturday. “Although you’ve been dating for nearly four…

Westwood’s Top Five Garbage Piles Ranked!

The Westwood Village neighborhood is one of the most densely populated areas in LA. It’s populated exclusively by children slowly learning how to be less terrible. As a result, Westwood gets some pretty rad garbage piles. We at Satyr consider…

Poll: Where is Perloff Hall?

Another campus legend? Satyr questioned students across campus to answer one of the university’s greatest quandaries—where is Perloff Hall? What is your take?       “I think it’s pronounced Royce” — Martha Simmons, Linguistics major          …

PC ’s Get New Politically Correct Autocorrect

PALO ALTO — In an attempt to make Windows hipper than Apple, Bill Gates has recently given his software a new politically correct autocorrect feature. This new feature is all the rage among college students. Carlos Cortez, a college senior, …

5 Dads You Will See at Bruin Day

Keep an eye out for dads this weekend. Here’s a few you may encounter:   The Pre-Med Coach Uniform: Polo shirt, Sunglasses, Crossed Arms This guy is going to be quiet during most of the visit, except for maybe making…

College Lingo For Parents

Isn’t it beginning to seem like every college kid on the frat block is speaking an entirely different, far dirtier language than what you speak? It’s because they are! Here’s a handy guide to making sense out of that weird…

The “Drinking Game” Drinking Game

Beer Pong: You see a person airball and their teammate goes, “What was that, bro?” Beer Pong: Someone uses a bullshit house rule. Flip Cup: Some girl is failing to get her cup to land right. Everytime she messes up,…