Tag: comedy

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How To Not Jack Off In Front Of Female Colleagues

With the recent New York Times articles about Harvey Weinstein and Louis CK, we have started to notice a trend. It seems challenging for powerful balding, overweight, sad, scrubbly-shaven men in Hollywood to not jack off in front of women…

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Which Plant Would You Jack Off To?

Here are some sexy eligible side plants, for all you single or polyamorous fellows out there. If you are the cuffing type, however, here are some house plants. These plants are so sexy they would make you want to water them…

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If Trump Can Do It Why Can’t Kevin Spacey?

BALTIMORE—Kevin Spacey is one of the latest people to fall from grace amid a wave of powerful Hollywood figures accused of sexual assault.  On Monday, Netflix announced that House of Cards, Spacey’s television show, would suspend production until further notice,…

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  Illustrated by Jakob Kiebach

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  Illustrated by Colin Tandy

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Four Types Of Girls Your Dad Hit On During Parents Weekend

Nothing could be better than a parents’ weekend at college: rekindling memories of a time of young love, restoring some passion into your parents’ marriage, and watching as your Father tanks the whole thing. While Mom talked to other parents…

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Which Ghost Is The Spookiest?

Halloween is coming and that means we’re gonna be seeing A LOT of ghosts out there. But not all ghosts are created equal. That’s why we’re gonna break down the spookiness level of these ghosts. Oh my god. This ghost…

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Universities Start #ButHeWasGoodAtSports In Response To #MeToo

LOS ANGELES – Women everywhere have been using the hashtag #MeToo to share their experiences with sexual assault and harassment. Universities everywhere have started using the hashtag  #ButHeWasGoodAtSports to share their own experiences with sexual misconduct. A spokesperson from the…

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Lying Is OK, Learns Child Watching C-SPAN

BAKERSFIELD, CA— Kristen, a six-year-old kindergartener, watched C-SPAN every day for at least three hours for the past year.  It has helped to improve her vocabulary, making her the most aware kid in her kindergarten class.  C-SPAN also made her…

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McDonald’s Milking Millennials For McNuggets

  Downey, CA – Everyone knows about the Ball, the Boot, the Bone, and the Bell – but McDonlad’s Inc. has a surprise for it’s chicken nugget fans. It will be introducing six new #relatable shapes of McNuggets some time…

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Study Abroad Ruined My Life!

Hey guys, it’s Jenine, and, confession alert: study abroad ruined my life. I know what you’re thinking: what could twelve whole weeks of galavanting around a foreign country eating exotic foods and partying every other night have possibly ruined for…

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Op-Ed: Thousands Enraptured at Welcome To Bruin Life

  On Sunday September 25th 2017, all six thousand members of the Freshman class attended Welcome To Bruin Life, the final activity of UCLA’s True Bruin Welcome Week. As the students clamored into Pauley Pavilion, they glanced up at the…

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Translation Of A College Student’s Resume

Here’s how to make your summer internship, that your parents helped you get, sound a bit more impressive.   Resume—Revitalizing employee-to-employee work relationships via dynamic communication methods. Translation—Sending emails to Jessica in Marketing.   Resume—Decoding outdated documentation through the use…

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Five Minute Chainsmokers Lyric Challenge

I recently lost my AUX cord. As a result I’ve been listening to a lot of radio. And by radio, I really mean “The Chainsmokers.” That’s when I had an idea: the Five Minute Chainsmokers Lyric Challenge.  We gave everyone…

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The Rise And Fall Of Tiger Woods Shown In Graphs

Tiger Woods’ most recent DUI got us thinking: what happened to the greatest golfer in the world?  Unsatisfied by Google searches alone, we decided to run the numbers for ourselves.  Below is the analytical, graphical representation of the rise and…

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Ways To Succeed At UCLA For Incoming Freshmen

The more bodily fluids you exchange, the better. Take that as you will. Select one fedora to wear outside, and another one to keep lying around just in case. You’ll feel a lot freer and more comfortable. Choose your favorite…

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White People Listen To Damn. For Racial Debt

  Los Angeles–Kendrick Lamar’s fourth studio album, DAMN., was released on April 14 to rave reviews and critical acclaim. According to Lamar’s label Interscope Records, much of the album’s commercial success can be credited to white millennials buying the album…

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Spring Trends, Light Colors Heavy Treason

****TREND ALERT**** WASHINGTON, DC — This spring there are two new trends sweeping Washington DC: light colors and heavy treason! Everyone on the Hill is getting in on it. Michael Flynn, Jared Kushner and even president Donald Trump have all…

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Trumpcare Doctors Just Ask What You Think They Should Do

WESTWOOD — Under the replacement of the American Care Act, colloquially known as “Trumpcare”, licensed physicians have been advised to just start asking patients to tell them what medical action to take. The designers of the bill hope that this…

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Every College Social Group Claims Coke To Be Their Thing

Spring is in the air at UCLA, but allergies aren’t the only reason why students across campus have bloody noses. Whether it be your sorority’s pinning or your hipster-infused paint party, each self-segregated clique thinks they have their own special…

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USAC Representatives Study Abroad In Russia

WESTWOOD— Government ties to Russia persist as reports reveal several USAC members recently studied abroad in Moscow, Russia. According to USAC General Representative Justin Jackson, the trip was taken “only to fulfill GE credits.” However, the information leak has prompted…

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USAC President Named Honorary Member of Sig Ep

WESTWOOD – After a picture surfaced of USAC president Danny Siegel making a Blood gang sign, the fraternity Sigma Phi Epsilon has offered him an honorary membership. The fraternity, famed for hosting a tasteful “Kanye Western” party last year, sees…

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Holy Shit Balls! That Squirrel Has A Knife

Woah. Everyone, stay calm. That’s a squirrel with a knife. Just don’t get too close to him. Does he want anything? If so, just give it to the fucking squirrel. HE HAS A KNIFE. If he disappears into a tree,…

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North Korean Missile Gets Too Excited, Blows Early

PYONGYANG —North Korea attempted its fifth missile launch of the year, on Saturday, following the annual Day of the Sun Parade, in which military equipment is driven through the capital city as a show of force.  It appears that the…

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Donald Trump Officially Declares Twitter War

WASHINGTON—In response to months of escalating criticism, President Donald Trump has officially declared Twitter war on 25-year-old Denver resident, Marc Gillis (@ReturnoftheMarc269), becoming the first American president to do so. The declaration was released only minutes after Gillis’ latest tweet…

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Experts Report Fun Part Of College Over Now

WESTWOOD, CA  — Popular perception of the American college experience as portrayed by the media is what experts describe as “fun” for “young people”. However, now that the first week or so of the new quarter has passed, researchers out…

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Students Disappointed Dance Marathon Failed to Cure AIDS

WESTWOOD—With Dance Marathon 2017 coming to a close, students have left the stale air of Pauley Pavilion exhausted and empty-handed. The Pediatric AIDS Coalition (PAC), even with hundreds of thousands of dollars donated, was unable to find a cure for…

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How to Solve Global Conflict Like Kendall Jenner

Pepsi’s latest ad made two things very clear: we all want Kendall Jenner’s ability to rock two tone skinny jeans and her ability to quickly solve political conflict stemming from centuries of socio-economic inequality and institutionalized racism. Here’s how you…

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NEW Alt-Right Subscription Box!

Monthly subscription box services are on the rise as people love getting curated items shipped right to their door. Now, from the makers of Birch Box, comes the next best subscription box service! In collaboration with Breitbart News and the…

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Hoverboarders Have Hovered South For The Winter

WESTWOOD, CA – UCLA has recently experienced a drastic decline in its native Hoverboarder population (scientific classification: Hovundus Boradus) beginning in the later end of Fall Quarter. Biologist have just discovered that hundreds of Hoverboarders have hovered South for the…

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Satyr’s Guide To The NCAA Tournament

March Madness is sweeping across the nation! As millions of fans fill out their brackets in anticipation of Thursday’s first-round tip off, we’ve highlighted our main contenders, bracket-busters, and nausea-inducers. Who you got?   Duke—Led by fiery guard Grayson Allen,…

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5 Cute Nervous Ticks To Try This Finals Season

 1. Nervous Eye Twitch The Nervous eye twitch is the “red lip classic” of nervous twitches. When you walk into a room and notice a girl twitching, you know she was brought up with class. There’s a casual elegance about…

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Trump Mistakes Trader José for Immigrant, Looks to Deport

WESTWOOD, CA —Trump’s presidency has been characterized by a series of divisive executive orders, including a travel ban affecting several majority-Muslim nations. However, next on his agenda is a similarly divisive order, as the next target of the ban will…

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Rain Stopped

WESTWOOD, CA — It dry out. Was wet. Not wet now. Rain for so long. Sad. Clouds. No more.

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Do You Love Me?

Do you love me? -Yes -No   Really? -Yes -No   Are you sure? -Yes -No   What if I make this silly face? -Yes -No   Wow, you must really love me. Do you love me on a sad…

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Frat Pledge Or Mormon Missionary: A Helpful Guide

For all those times you’ve encountered a friendly group of well dressed white men, and have been confused as to whether they were spreading the word of Jesus Christ or on their way to a beer pong tournament. Here is…

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Study Shows That Girlfriend Is Probably Just Fine

SEATTLE — In a study published this Tuesday, researchers at the University of Washington revealed that your girlfriend is “probably just fine,” despite the fact that you missed her birthday party last Saturday. “Although you’ve been dating for nearly four…

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Newly Discovered Planets Ask Humans to Leave Them Alone

WASHINGTON DC – On Wednesday, February 22, NASA announced that it had discovered three possibly habitable earth-sized planets in the TRAPPIST-1 system, igniting the scientific community and the world. Life existing on other planets has always been in question, however,…

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Experts Say 2017 Best Time To Start Smoking Again

LOS ANGELES– A recent study from the UCLA Geffen School of Medicine indicates that in light of the current United States political climate, right now is a better time than ever for Americans to take up smoking again. We reached…

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Hillary Clinton Filled With New Hope After Oscars Mix-Up

HOLLYWOOD – Tonight, La La Land was announced the winner of the Oscar for best picture. It was however, not the winner for best picture. Halfway through LaLa Land’s acceptance speech, it was announced that Moonlight had actually won the…

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Trump University Teaches Business Ethnics Class

SAN DIEGO, CA — Trump University recently settled a court case about the University’s controversial curriculum  and following this the details of the case were released to the public. One class that stood is a course in the  “Business Ethnics”…

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Westwood’s Top Five Garbage Piles Ranked!

The Westwood Village neighborhood is one of the most densely populated areas in LA. It’s populated exclusively by children slowly learning how to be less terrible. As a result, Westwood gets some pretty rad garbage piles. We at Satyr consider…

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Trump Bans Trader Jose’s Labels

WESTWOOD, CA – Trump’s presidency has been characterized by a series of divisive executive orders, including, the recent travel and refugee ban from several nations. However, next on his list is a similarly divisive order for Angelenos who take Trader…

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DeVos to Turn UCLA into Small Thai Place

WESTWOOD – Many of our readers have been asking, “What does Betsy DeVos’s confirmation as Education Secretary mean for me specifically?” This morning DeVos made a statement that answered those questions. She stated that she plans to turn the University…

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Ejector Seat Installed in Oval Office

Washington D.C.— Donald Trump was inaugurated as President of the United States two short weeks ago. Unbeknownst to him and his team, during his swearing in ceremony a group of highly trained individuals went into the office to Trump-proof. Among…

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Ableist UC system flaunts its eyesight

I have long advocated for the prohibition of ableist language from California campuses and now I’ve set my sights on a certain type of ableist rhetoric. Visionist terms, i.e. those that empower the seeing at the expense and marginalization of…

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5 Things You Can Paper Maché With Unused Daily Bruins

  If you’re like most UCLA students, you often happen upon large stacks of unread, untouched Daily Bruin newspapers on your way to class. We at Satyr have worked out some fun, crafty ideas for putting these abandoned papers to…

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Russia Hacks Walmart’s Speaker System

OWENSBORO, KENTUCKY — Yesterday a local Walmart’s PA system broadcasted a strange message. According to the employees and shoppers present, it sounded as if the message was broadcast in Russian. Investigators have tied this incident to a number of other…

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Poll: Where is Perloff Hall?

Another campus legend? Satyr questioned students across campus to answer one of the university’s greatest quandaries—where is Perloff Hall? What is your take?       “I think it’s pronounced Royce” — Martha Simmons, Linguistics major          …

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The Women’s March: Mansplained

In case you didn’t hear, last weekend, there was a “Women’s March”. For those of you who don’t know, a march is when people hold up signs and yell about things they are upset about. It’s not that efficient, but…

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Finance Intern Finally Promoted to Recipient of Abusive Banter

NEW YORK, NY — Keith Peters, a soft-spoken finance intern at Goldman Sachs, was elated by his promotion to being the recipient of abusive banter from higher-ups. “I’m doing advanced coursework in business-economics with a minor in maintaining a servile…

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Why Moonlight Winning a Golden Globe Ends Racism Forever

LOS ANGELES, CA – 2016’s film awards show season was characterized by heavy criticism of the fact that there were no films by black directors or black actors nominated for awards. Awarding Moonlight with the Golden Globe for Best Drama…

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Why There Ought to be a Cap on Women’s Height

Internet idol, Milo Yiannopoulos, recently brought up the great point of needing a cap on the amount of women in science and math. This got me thinking: what else should women be restricted on for the good of mankind? Women’s…

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Behind the Supremacy: Breitbart’s Sexiest Contributors

Breitbart News Network, popularized and run by the newly-appointed Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon, has neglected to showcase their sexy contributors. I have finally put together the official “Breitbart’s Top 5 Sexiest Contributors List”. Though this list may be full of…

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Fat Sal’s Actually Mass Drunken Hallucination

WESTWOOD —  A recent investigation has uncovered that local eatery, Fat Sal’s, doesn’t actually exist. Sources have informed Daily Ruin that Fat Sal’s is not a real restaurant, but rather a mutual drunken hallucination shared by the entire UCLA community….

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Trump’s Cabinet as Old Thanksgiving Leftovers

Here’s what’s left of our 6 favorite dishes that have been approved by the biggest turkey of them all, Donald. While they may not be the dishes you’re used to or even wanted, hopefully we’ll all get used to them….

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Man Confuses Sbarro Line for Trump Protest

Upon hearing the disappointing news of the election, Julian Friedl, a freshman at Santa Monica Community College, was extremely eager to take to the streets and voice his frustrations amongst other protesters. Last Saturday, he traveled to what he called…

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QUIZ: Is Bruin Republicans Right for you?

Wondering if Bruin Republicans is the right fit for you? Take this quiz below and find out!  1 — How would you describe yourself? A) White. B) Criminal. 2 — What is your religious affiliation? A) Christian. B) Something else…

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My Time at a Protester Camp Out

Last Tuesday I was walking through Downtown Los Angeles when I happened upon a large group of haggard individuals living out of tents, cardboard boxes, and sleeping bags. I approached the group and noticed a stench of what at first…

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Everything On Fire

FIREY INFERNO, USA — Starting late last night around 11:00 P.M. PST, thousands of reports emerged across the nation that literally everything had suddenly burst into flames. All through the night, trees, buildings, and cars alike have all been officially…

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Hillary Clinton’s Emails Revealed to Be Deleted J-Crew Spam

**BREAKING NEWS** Hillary Clinton’s Deleted Emails Have Finally Been Revealed to be J.Crew Spam WASHINGTON D.C. — With the election just days away, another Congressional hearing was gathered to dig into presidential nominee Hillary Clinton’s deleted private emails. The results…

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Numbers Indicate Trump and Clinton Own Same Set of Pant Suits

With upcoming election so close, we decided to look into the most important aspect of every candidate’s’ past: their fashion choices.  To our surprise we found something quite shocking.  Our presidential candidates may not share the same ideas on ISIS…

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Inside the Empty Minds of Undecided Voters

As we draw closer to Election Day this November, the rift between Trump and Clinton continues to grow more and more divisive. Yet, despite these vast differences, over 19 million voters remain undecided. To better understand the mindset of these…

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Serial Nonflusher Strikes Again at LuValle Commons

WESTWOOD, CA — Multiple reports confirm that a serial non flusher —one who seeks gratification by purposefully rejecting the practice of flushing and eliciting discomfort and suffering in unsuspecting bathroom goers—has struck again at Lu Valle Commons. After countless reports of…

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CNN Tweets We Wish Were Satire

With a twitter bio like “It’s our job to #GoThere and tell the most difficult stories. Come with us!” one could only hope for the most riveting, shocking, and hard-hitting stories to be featured on CNN’s page. That being said,…

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Satyr Writers Take on Wooden’s Anti Sports Bra Policy

The John Wooden Center has a strict policy stating students must wear shirts over their sports bras. Any student attempting to work out in a sports bra is asked to cover their overly provocative bare abdomen or leave immediately. Last…

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1 in 5 people on Bruinwalk on Their Way to Poop

If you’ve ever been forced to flyer on Bruin Walk, you can attest to the fact that people rarely accept the flyers or even acknowledge your existence with casual eye contact. While prior studies have shown that most people simply…

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5 Ways to Get on Ellen Even if You’re Boring

These days, everyone’s looking for their 15 minutes of fame, and everyone knows there’s only one show that will rocket you to the top: The Ellen DeGeneres Show. With the Internet and help from our benevolent Ellen, that’s now easier…

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Checked Out Voter Thinks Larry David is Running

NEVADA – Nevada resident Kent Bradley was confused and taken aback this past Saturday after attempting to vote for Larry David in the Nevada Democratic Caucus only to find the two options on the ballot were Hillary Clinton and Bernie…

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JETZO

  Check out JETZO. They are a clowning based improv group with drop in classes at the improv space once a month. *This is not recommended for those with a fear of clowns, improv or two men pretending to be from…

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Christmas Trees Demand Trial Before Execution

THE WOODS — For years, Christmas trees have been brutally cut down without any chance to defend themselves or plead their case, but finally the laws have changed. Evergreen Pine v. Montana is the biggest movement for plant rights since…