Tag: daily bruin

spring-1211575_960_720

Spring Trends, Light Colors Heavy Treason

****TREND ALERT**** WASHINGTON, DC — This spring there are two new trends sweeping Washington DC: light colors and heavy treason! Everyone on the Hill is getting in on it. Michael Flynn, Jared Kushner and even president Donald Trump have all…

Trump_signing_order_January_27

Trumpcare Doctors Just Ask What You Think They Should Do

WESTWOOD — Under the replacement of the American Care Act, colloquially known as “Trumpcare”, licensed physicians have been advised to just start asking patients to tell them what medical action to take. The designers of the bill hope that this…

shrub

White House Press Room Podium Replaced With Bush

Washington―In the latest shake-up the Trump administration has made to the White House, Sean Spicer has decided to replace the historic podium in the press room with a bush. The decision comes after the suspicious timing of the firing of…

web.ns_.siegel.JHan_-640x426

USAC President Named Honorary Member of Sig Ep

WESTWOOD – After a picture surfaced of USAC president Danny Siegel making a Blood gang sign, the fraternity Sigma Phi Epsilon has offered him an honorary membership. The fraternity, famed for hosting a tasteful “Kanye Western” party last year, sees…

cigarettes-991227_960_720

Report: 67% Of Nation’s Cigarette Smokers UCLA Art Students

LOS ANGELES—In a study published this Tuesday, researchers at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine revealed that 67% of cigarette smokers across the country are currently studying within the UCLA School of the Arts and Architecture. “Our studies indicate…

18049561_10208675820553264_1856558776_o (1)

North Korean Missile Gets Too Excited, Blows Early

PYONGYANG —North Korea attempted its fifth missile launch of the year, on Saturday, following the annual Day of the Sun Parade, in which military equipment is driven through the capital city as a show of force.  It appears that the…

5440606864_0aab68cba6_b

Donald Trump Officially Declares Twitter War

WASHINGTON—In response to months of escalating criticism, President Donald Trump has officially declared Twitter war on 25-year-old Denver resident, Marc Gillis (@ReturnoftheMarc269), becoming the first American president to do so. The declaration was released only minutes after Gillis’ latest tweet…

5268236456_c6f9dcb39a_b

Experts Report Fun Part Of College Over Now

WESTWOOD, CA  — Popular perception of the American college experience as portrayed by the media is what experts describe as “fun” for “young people”. However, now that the first week or so of the new quarter has passed, researchers out…

bjc

Students Disappointed Dance Marathon Failed to Cure AIDS

WESTWOOD—With Dance Marathon 2017 coming to a close, students have left the stale air of Pauley Pavilion exhausted and empty-handed. The Pediatric AIDS Coalition (PAC), even with hundreds of thousands of dollars donated, was unable to find a cure for…

girlfriend

Study Shows That Girlfriend Is Probably Just Fine

SEATTLE — In a study published this Tuesday, researchers at the University of Washington revealed that your girlfriend is “probably just fine,” despite the fact that you missed her birthday party last Saturday. “Although you’ve been dating for nearly four…

16409679_10208077555157003_477962349_o

5 Things You Can Paper Maché With Unused Daily Bruins

  If you’re like most UCLA students, you often happen upon large stacks of unread, untouched Daily Bruin newspapers on your way to class. We at Satyr have worked out some fun, crafty ideas for putting these abandoned papers to…

tall-woman-right-format

Why There Ought to be a Cap on Women’s Height

Internet idol, Milo Yiannopoulos, recently brought up the great point of needing a cap on the amount of women in science and math. This got me thinking: what else should women be restricted on for the good of mankind? Women’s…

16291711015_8d30695588

Daily Bruin Congratulates Self Over Spotlight Oscar

WESTWOOD — On Sunday night, shortly after Spotlight, the movie about investigative journalism at the Boston Globe, won the Oscar for Best Picture, Daily Bruin staff held a celebratory party, patting themselves on the back for the award. The announcement…

DB breaking news

Daily Bruin Mistakes Mundane Event for News

WESTWOOD – UCLA’s award winning Daily Bruin newspaper has recently “screwed the pooch” as they say. Last Wednesday, they covered an event in their “News” section that was not actually news but a routine mundane happening. The article was a…

racial-diversity-580x350

Submission: Daily Bruin Should Focus on More Submissions

Controversy has surrounded the Daily Bruin after a certain opinionated submission was published. The article, which suggested a slight redirection of the Afrikan Student Union’s efforts, included paragraphs of insightful statistics and unequivocal truths which absolutely justified everything that was written throughout the…

satyr

Editor’s Note: An apology to our readers

Satyr Magazine would like to apologize to our readers. As UCLA’s comedy publication, it is on us to push the boundaries of what is considered acceptable or offensive. As this apology from the Daily Bruin Editor shows, we have failed…

Lax_sign

UCLA Travelers Delayed After LAX Shooting

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Daily Bruin previously published this article, and we couldn’t believe our eyes when we read it. They left so much out about this important issue that we, the Daily Ruin staff, wouldn’t be able to call ourselves…