Tag: daily bruin

White House Requests Screening Of 1996 Film ‘Kazaam’

Washington, DC– On Wednesday it was reported that the White House requested a personal screening of the 1996 film Kazaam. The children’s comedy stars Shaquille O’Neil as Kazaam, a five thousand year old genie discovered in a boombox who grants…

Grandma Thinks Thanksgiving Unholy After Eating Seitan Turkey

BRENTWOOD, CA — After delivering a lengthy tirade on the Starbucks Corporation’s desecration of Christmas, Grandma Lynn nearly suffered a stroke when presented with a vegan Thanksgiving turkey. Sarah Moore, 26, was hosting Thanksgiving dinner for the very first time…

Avid Nail Biter Eats Hand

Westwood — Everyday, Scott Morris bites his nails while sitting in lecture. Today, he ran out of nails, but continued to chew. By the end of lecture, Morris had eaten his hand. The Daily Ruin caught up with Morris after…

ALF Accused Of Sexual Misconduct

  Los Angeles, CA– In wake of the recent allegations of sexual assault against celebrities and public figures, new statements have been made accusing the late 80’s sitcom star ALF of sexual misconduct. The breakout star rose to fame instantly…

How to Deal with Your Liberal Nephews and Nieces this Thanksgiving

Are you a down-to-earth, constitutional, Christian (specifically Protestant), morally pure conservative male who happens to also be an uncle? Are you dreading this upcoming Thanksgiving when your liberal-zombie nephews and nieces will be returning from UC Berkeley to terrorize you…

On Opposite Day, Shrub Vomits On Student

  WESTWOOD, CA- For the students of UCLA, yesterday was Opposite Day and various things were happening out of the ordinary on The Hill. Last night, the Daily Ruin witnessed Opposite Day first-hand. Just as the first-year student Ricky Young…

If Trump Can Do It Why Can’t Kevin Spacey?

BALTIMORE—Kevin Spacey is one of the latest people to fall from grace amid a wave of powerful Hollywood figures accused of sexual assault.  On Monday, Netflix announced that House of Cards, Spacey’s television show, would suspend production until further notice,…

  Illustrated by Colin Tandy

Universities Start #ButHeWasGoodAtSports In Response To #MeToo

LOS ANGELES – Women everywhere have been using the hashtag #MeToo to share their experiences with sexual assault and harassment. Universities everywhere have started using the hashtag  #ButHeWasGoodAtSports to share their own experiences with sexual misconduct. A spokesperson from the…

Lying Is OK, Learns Child Watching C-SPAN

BAKERSFIELD, CA— Kristen, a six-year-old kindergartener, watched C-SPAN every day for at least three hours for the past year.  It has helped to improve her vocabulary, making her the most aware kid in her kindergarten class.  C-SPAN also made her…

Emojis For Our New World Order

Emojis are fun ways to communicate your most common thoughts! A tiny salsa dancer says “Let’s have a girls night out!” Now that your most frequent thoughts are changing because of the current political climate, Emoji has released an update!…

Op-Ed: Thousands Enraptured at Welcome To Bruin Life

  On Sunday September 25th 2017, all six thousand members of the Freshman class attended Welcome To Bruin Life, the final activity of UCLA’s True Bruin Welcome Week. As the students clamored into Pauley Pavilion, they glanced up at the…

The Rise And Fall Of Tiger Woods Shown In Graphs

Tiger Woods’ most recent DUI got us thinking: what happened to the greatest golfer in the world?  Unsatisfied by Google searches alone, we decided to run the numbers for ourselves.  Below is the analytical, graphical representation of the rise and…

White People Listen To Damn. For Racial Debt

  Los Angeles–Kendrick Lamar’s fourth studio album, DAMN., was released on April 14 to rave reviews and critical acclaim. According to Lamar’s label Interscope Records, much of the album’s commercial success can be credited to white millennials buying the album…

Spring Trends, Light Colors Heavy Treason

****TREND ALERT**** WASHINGTON, DC — This spring there are two new trends sweeping Washington DC: light colors and heavy treason! Everyone on the Hill is getting in on it. Michael Flynn, Jared Kushner and even president Donald Trump have all…

Trumpcare Doctors Just Ask What You Think They Should Do

WESTWOOD — Under the replacement of the American Care Act, colloquially known as “Trumpcare”, licensed physicians have been advised to just start asking patients to tell them what medical action to take. The designers of the bill hope that this…

White House Press Room Podium Replaced With Bush

Washington―In the latest shake-up the Trump administration has made to the White House, Sean Spicer has decided to replace the historic podium in the press room with a bush. The decision comes after the suspicious timing of the firing of…

USAC President Named Honorary Member of Sig Ep

WESTWOOD – After a picture surfaced of USAC president Danny Siegel making a Blood gang sign, the fraternity Sigma Phi Epsilon has offered him an honorary membership. The fraternity, famed for hosting a tasteful “Kanye Western” party last year, sees…

Report: 67% Of Nation’s Cigarette Smokers UCLA Art Students

LOS ANGELES—In a study published this Tuesday, researchers at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine revealed that 67% of cigarette smokers across the country are currently studying within the UCLA School of the Arts and Architecture. “Our studies indicate…

North Korean Missile Gets Too Excited, Blows Early

PYONGYANG —North Korea attempted its fifth missile launch of the year, on Saturday, following the annual Day of the Sun Parade, in which military equipment is driven through the capital city as a show of force.  It appears that the…

Donald Trump Officially Declares Twitter War

WASHINGTON—In response to months of escalating criticism, President Donald Trump has officially declared Twitter war on 25-year-old Denver resident, Marc Gillis (@ReturnoftheMarc269), becoming the first American president to do so. The declaration was released only minutes after Gillis’ latest tweet…

Experts Report Fun Part Of College Over Now

WESTWOOD, CA  — Popular perception of the American college experience as portrayed by the media is what experts describe as “fun” for “young people”. However, now that the first week or so of the new quarter has passed, researchers out…

Students Disappointed Dance Marathon Failed to Cure AIDS

WESTWOOD—With Dance Marathon 2017 coming to a close, students have left the stale air of Pauley Pavilion exhausted and empty-handed. The Pediatric AIDS Coalition (PAC), even with hundreds of thousands of dollars donated, was unable to find a cure for…

Study Shows That Girlfriend Is Probably Just Fine

SEATTLE — In a study published this Tuesday, researchers at the University of Washington revealed that your girlfriend is “probably just fine,” despite the fact that you missed her birthday party last Saturday. “Although you’ve been dating for nearly four…

5 Things You Can Paper Maché With Unused Daily Bruins

  If you’re like most UCLA students, you often happen upon large stacks of unread, untouched Daily Bruin newspapers on your way to class. We at Satyr have worked out some fun, crafty ideas for putting these abandoned papers to…

Why There Ought to be a Cap on Women’s Height

Internet idol, Milo Yiannopoulos, recently brought up the great point of needing a cap on the amount of women in science and math. This got me thinking: what else should women be restricted on for the good of mankind? Women’s…

Daily Bruin Congratulates Self Over Spotlight Oscar

WESTWOOD — On Sunday night, shortly after Spotlight, the movie about investigative journalism at the Boston Globe, won the Oscar for Best Picture, Daily Bruin staff held a celebratory party, patting themselves on the back for the award. The announcement…

Daily Bruin Mistakes Mundane Event for News

WESTWOOD – UCLA’s award winning Daily Bruin newspaper has recently “screwed the pooch” as they say. Last Wednesday, they covered an event in their “News” section that was not actually news but a routine mundane happening. The article was a…

Submission: Daily Bruin Should Focus on More Submissions

Controversy has surrounded the Daily Bruin after a certain opinionated submission was published. The article, which suggested a slight redirection of the Afrikan Student Union’s efforts, included paragraphs of insightful statistics and unequivocal truths which absolutely justified everything that was written throughout the…

Editor’s Note: An apology to our readers

Satyr Magazine would like to apologize to our readers. As UCLA’s comedy publication, it is on us to push the boundaries of what is considered acceptable or offensive. As this apology from the Daily Bruin Editor shows, we have failed…

UCLA Travelers Delayed After LAX Shooting

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Daily Bruin previously published this article, and we couldn’t believe our eyes when we read it. They left so much out about this important issue that we, the Daily Ruin staff, wouldn’t be able to call ourselves…