Tag: daily ruin

White House Requests Screening Of 1996 Film ‘Kazaam’

Washington, DC– On Wednesday it was reported that the White House requested a personal screening of the 1996 film Kazaam. The children’s comedy stars Shaquille O’Neil as Kazaam, a five thousand year old genie discovered in a boombox who grants…

Grandma Thinks Thanksgiving Unholy After Eating Seitan Turkey

BRENTWOOD, CA — After delivering a lengthy tirade on the Starbucks Corporation’s desecration of Christmas, Grandma Lynn nearly suffered a stroke when presented with a vegan Thanksgiving turkey. Sarah Moore, 26, was hosting Thanksgiving dinner for the very first time…

Avid Nail Biter Eats Hand

Westwood — Everyday, Scott Morris bites his nails while sitting in lecture. Today, he ran out of nails, but continued to chew. By the end of lecture, Morris had eaten his hand. The Daily Ruin caught up with Morris after…

ALF Accused Of Sexual Misconduct

  Los Angeles, CA– In wake of the recent allegations of sexual assault against celebrities and public figures, new statements have been made accusing the late 80’s sitcom star ALF of sexual misconduct. The breakout star rose to fame instantly…

How to Deal with Your Liberal Nephews and Nieces this Thanksgiving

Are you a down-to-earth, constitutional, Christian (specifically Protestant), morally pure conservative male who happens to also be an uncle? Are you dreading this upcoming Thanksgiving when your liberal-zombie nephews and nieces will be returning from UC Berkeley to terrorize you…

On Opposite Day, Shrub Vomits On Student

  WESTWOOD, CA- For the students of UCLA, yesterday was Opposite Day and various things were happening out of the ordinary on The Hill. Last night, the Daily Ruin witnessed Opposite Day first-hand. Just as the first-year student Ricky Young…

If Trump Can Do It Why Can’t Kevin Spacey?

BALTIMORE—Kevin Spacey is one of the latest people to fall from grace amid a wave of powerful Hollywood figures accused of sexual assault.  On Monday, Netflix announced that House of Cards, Spacey’s television show, would suspend production until further notice,…

  Illustrated by Colin Tandy

Universities Start #ButHeWasGoodAtSports In Response To #MeToo

LOS ANGELES – Women everywhere have been using the hashtag #MeToo to share their experiences with sexual assault and harassment. Universities everywhere have started using the hashtag  #ButHeWasGoodAtSports to share their own experiences with sexual misconduct. A spokesperson from the…

Lying Is OK, Learns Child Watching C-SPAN

BAKERSFIELD, CA— Kristen, a six-year-old kindergartener, watched C-SPAN every day for at least three hours for the past year.  It has helped to improve her vocabulary, making her the most aware kid in her kindergarten class.  C-SPAN also made her…

Emojis For Our New World Order

Emojis are fun ways to communicate your most common thoughts! A tiny salsa dancer says “Let’s have a girls night out!” Now that your most frequent thoughts are changing because of the current political climate, Emoji has released an update!…

Op-Ed: Thousands Enraptured at Welcome To Bruin Life

  On Sunday September 25th 2017, all six thousand members of the Freshman class attended Welcome To Bruin Life, the final activity of UCLA’s True Bruin Welcome Week. As the students clamored into Pauley Pavilion, they glanced up at the…

The Rise And Fall Of Tiger Woods Shown In Graphs

Tiger Woods’ most recent DUI got us thinking: what happened to the greatest golfer in the world?  Unsatisfied by Google searches alone, we decided to run the numbers for ourselves.  Below is the analytical, graphical representation of the rise and…

White People Listen To Damn. For Racial Debt

  Los Angeles–Kendrick Lamar’s fourth studio album, DAMN., was released on April 14 to rave reviews and critical acclaim. According to Lamar’s label Interscope Records, much of the album’s commercial success can be credited to white millennials buying the album…

Spring Trends, Light Colors Heavy Treason

****TREND ALERT**** WASHINGTON, DC — This spring there are two new trends sweeping Washington DC: light colors and heavy treason! Everyone on the Hill is getting in on it. Michael Flynn, Jared Kushner and even president Donald Trump have all…

Trumpcare Doctors Just Ask What You Think They Should Do

WESTWOOD — Under the replacement of the American Care Act, colloquially known as “Trumpcare”, licensed physicians have been advised to just start asking patients to tell them what medical action to take. The designers of the bill hope that this…

Report: 67% Of Nation’s Cigarette Smokers UCLA Art Students

LOS ANGELES—In a study published this Tuesday, researchers at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine revealed that 67% of cigarette smokers across the country are currently studying within the UCLA School of the Arts and Architecture. “Our studies indicate…

North Korean Missile Gets Too Excited, Blows Early

PYONGYANG —North Korea attempted its fifth missile launch of the year, on Saturday, following the annual Day of the Sun Parade, in which military equipment is driven through the capital city as a show of force.  It appears that the…

Donald Trump Officially Declares Twitter War

WASHINGTON—In response to months of escalating criticism, President Donald Trump has officially declared Twitter war on 25-year-old Denver resident, Marc Gillis (@ReturnoftheMarc269), becoming the first American president to do so. The declaration was released only minutes after Gillis’ latest tweet…

Experts Report Fun Part Of College Over Now

WESTWOOD, CA  — Popular perception of the American college experience as portrayed by the media is what experts describe as “fun” for “young people”. However, now that the first week or so of the new quarter has passed, researchers out…

Students Disappointed Dance Marathon Failed to Cure AIDS

WESTWOOD—With Dance Marathon 2017 coming to a close, students have left the stale air of Pauley Pavilion exhausted and empty-handed. The Pediatric AIDS Coalition (PAC), even with hundreds of thousands of dollars donated, was unable to find a cure for…

Study Shows That Girlfriend Is Probably Just Fine

SEATTLE — In a study published this Tuesday, researchers at the University of Washington revealed that your girlfriend is “probably just fine,” despite the fact that you missed her birthday party last Saturday. “Although you’ve been dating for nearly four…

Newly Discovered Planets Ask Humans to Leave Them Alone

WASHINGTON DC – On Wednesday, February 22, NASA announced that it had discovered three possibly habitable earth-sized planets in the TRAPPIST-1 system, igniting the scientific community and the world. Life existing on other planets has always been in question, however,…

Experts Say 2017 Best Time To Start Smoking Again

LOS ANGELES– A recent study from the UCLA Geffen School of Medicine indicates that in light of the current United States political climate, right now is a better time than ever for Americans to take up smoking again. We reached…

Finance Intern Finally Promoted to Recipient of Abusive Banter

NEW YORK, NY — Keith Peters, a soft-spoken finance intern at Goldman Sachs, was elated by his promotion to being the recipient of abusive banter from higher-ups. “I’m doing advanced coursework in business-economics with a minor in maintaining a servile…

Group Already Forming to Impeach Next President

NASHUA, NH–In light of recent election polls showing who the potential candidates for the next US President will be, a group of true American patriots have formed in the swing state of New Hampshire vowing to impeach whoever is elected. Not…

Campus Climate Survey Reveals Favorable Weather at UCLA

LOS ANGELES—Last week, the Daily Ruin went out and asked UCLA students to share their opinions on the current campus climate, asking about their experiences regarding race, religion, and sexual orientation. “We’re proud to say that our campus enjoys beautiful weather…

Amber Alert Rudely Interrupts Students

LOS ANGELES—Today, thousands of UCLA students had their daily routines disrupted by an obnoxiously loud alarm from their cell phones. The notification, called an Amber Alert, shared with each of these students identifying information about a child who had been…