Tag: news

Why Prince Harry Should Have Married Me

  I’m walking down the aisle. To my left, my family. To my right, The Queen, William, Benedict Cumberbatch. And in front of me, my future, my everything, my Harry. And then I wake up. Because it’s all just a…

ALF Accused Of Sexual Misconduct

  Los Angeles, CA– In wake of the recent allegations of sexual assault against celebrities and public figures, new statements have been made accusing the late 80’s sitcom star ALF of sexual misconduct. The breakout star rose to fame instantly…

The Rise And Fall Of Tiger Woods Shown In Graphs

Tiger Woods’ most recent DUI got us thinking: what happened to the greatest golfer in the world?  Unsatisfied by Google searches alone, we decided to run the numbers for ourselves.  Below is the analytical, graphical representation of the rise and…

Trumpcare Doctors Just Ask What You Think They Should Do

WESTWOOD — Under the replacement of the American Care Act, colloquially known as “Trumpcare”, licensed physicians have been advised to just start asking patients to tell them what medical action to take. The designers of the bill hope that this…

Every College Social Group Claims Coke To Be Their Thing

Spring is in the air at UCLA, but allergies aren’t the only reason why students across campus have bloody noses. Whether it be your sorority’s pinning or your hipster-infused paint party, each self-segregated clique thinks they have their own special…

North Korean Missile Gets Too Excited, Blows Early

PYONGYANG —North Korea attempted its fifth missile launch of the year, on Saturday, following the annual Day of the Sun Parade, in which military equipment is driven through the capital city as a show of force.  It appears that the…

Donald Trump Officially Declares Twitter War

WASHINGTON—In response to months of escalating criticism, President Donald Trump has officially declared Twitter war on 25-year-old Denver resident, Marc Gillis (@ReturnoftheMarc269), becoming the first American president to do so. The declaration was released only minutes after Gillis’ latest tweet…

How to Solve Global Conflict Like Kendall Jenner

Pepsi’s latest ad made two things very clear: we all want Kendall Jenner’s ability to rock two tone skinny jeans and her ability to quickly solve political conflict stemming from centuries of socio-economic inequality and institutionalized racism. Here’s how you…

DeVos to Turn UCLA into Small Thai Place

WESTWOOD – Many of our readers have been asking, “What does Betsy DeVos’s confirmation as Education Secretary mean for me specifically?” This morning DeVos made a statement that answered those questions. She stated that she plans to turn the University…

Daily Bruin Mistakes Mundane Event for News

WESTWOOD – UCLA’s award winning Daily Bruin newspaper has recently “screwed the pooch” as they say. Last Wednesday, they covered an event in their “News” section that was not actually news but a routine mundane happening. The article was a…