Tag: satire

Trump_signing_order_January_27

Trumpcare Doctors Just Ask What You Think They Should Do

WESTWOOD — Under the replacement of the American Care Act, colloquially known as “Trumpcare”, licensed physicians have been advised to just start asking patients to tell them what medical action to take. The designers of the bill hope that this…

12766804353_ac87c68575_b

Every College Social Group Claims Coke To Be Their Thing

Spring is in the air at UCLA, but allergies aren’t the only reason why students across campus have bloody noses. Whether it be your sorority’s pinning or your hipster-infused paint party, each self-segregated clique thinks they have their own special…

slovenpu

USAC Representatives Study Abroad In Russia

WESTWOOD— Government ties to Russia persist as reports reveal several USAC members recently studied abroad in Moscow, Russia. According to USAC General Representative Justin Jackson, the trip was taken “only to fulfill GE credits.” However, the information leak has prompted…

shrub

White House Press Room Podium Replaced With Bush

Washington―In the latest shake-up the Trump administration has made to the White House, Sean Spicer has decided to replace the historic podium in the press room with a bush. The decision comes after the suspicious timing of the firing of…

cigarettes-991227_960_720

Report: 67% Of Nation’s Cigarette Smokers UCLA Art Students

LOS ANGELES—In a study published this Tuesday, researchers at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine revealed that 67% of cigarette smokers across the country are currently studying within the UCLA School of the Arts and Architecture. “Our studies indicate…

5440606864_0aab68cba6_b

Donald Trump Officially Declares Twitter War

WASHINGTON—In response to months of escalating criticism, President Donald Trump has officially declared Twitter war on 25-year-old Denver resident, Marc Gillis (@ReturnoftheMarc269), becoming the first American president to do so. The declaration was released only minutes after Gillis’ latest tweet…

5268236456_c6f9dcb39a_b

Experts Report Fun Part Of College Over Now

WESTWOOD, CA  — Popular perception of the American college experience as portrayed by the media is what experts describe as “fun” for “young people”. However, now that the first week or so of the new quarter has passed, researchers out…

bjc

Students Disappointed Dance Marathon Failed to Cure AIDS

WESTWOOD—With Dance Marathon 2017 coming to a close, students have left the stale air of Pauley Pavilion exhausted and empty-handed. The Pediatric AIDS Coalition (PAC), even with hundreds of thousands of dollars donated, was unable to find a cure for…

kendall-jenner-pepsi

How to Solve Global Conflict Like Kendall Jenner

Pepsi’s latest ad made two things very clear: we all want Kendall Jenner’s ability to rock two tone skinny jeans and her ability to quickly solve political conflict stemming from centuries of socio-economic inequality and institutionalized racism. Here’s how you…

sub

NEW Alt-Right Subscription Box!

Monthly subscription box services are on the rise as people love getting curated items shipped right to their door. Now, from the makers of Birch Box, comes the next best subscription box service! In collaboration with Breitbart News and the…

hoverboard

Hoverboarders Have Hovered South For The Winter

WESTWOOD, CA – UCLA has recently experienced a drastic decline in its native Hoverboarder population (scientific classification: Hovundus Boradus) beginning in the later end of Fall Quarter. Biologist have just discovered that hundreds of Hoverboarders have hovered South for the…

636163778335445049-uk-ucla-shush-1

Satyr’s Guide To The NCAA Tournament

March Madness is sweeping across the nation! As millions of fans fill out their brackets in anticipation of Thursday’s first-round tip off, we’ve highlighted our main contenders, bracket-busters, and nausea-inducers. Who you got?   Duke—Led by fiery guard Grayson Allen,…

SATYR Nervous tick

5 Cute Nervous Ticks To Try This Finals Season

 1. Nervous Eye Twitch The Nervous eye twitch is the “red lip classic” of nervous twitches. When you walk into a room and notice a girl twitching, you know she was brought up with class. There’s a casual elegance about…

Trader Jose

Trump Mistakes Trader José for Immigrant, Looks to Deport

WESTWOOD, CA —Trump’s presidency has been characterized by a series of divisive executive orders, including a travel ban affecting several majority-Muslim nations. However, next on his agenda is a similarly divisive order, as the next target of the ban will…

IMG_0007

Do You Love Me?

Do you love me? -Yes -No   Really? -Yes -No   Are you sure? -Yes -No   What if I make this silly face? -Yes -No   Wow, you must really love me. Do you love me on a sad…

pledge

Frat Pledge Or Mormon Missionary: A Helpful Guide

For all those times you’ve encountered a friendly group of well dressed white men, and have been confused as to whether they were spreading the word of Jesus Christ or on their way to a beer pong tournament. Here is…

planets

Newly Discovered Planets Ask Humans to Leave Them Alone

WASHINGTON DC – On Wednesday, February 22, NASA announced that it had discovered three possibly habitable earth-sized planets in the TRAPPIST-1 system, igniting the scientific community and the world. Life existing on other planets has always been in question, however,…

smokin

Experts Say 2017 Best Time To Start Smoking Again

LOS ANGELES– A recent study from the UCLA Geffen School of Medicine indicates that in light of the current United States political climate, right now is a better time than ever for Americans to take up smoking again. We reached…

SATYR - Oscar Mix Up

Hillary Clinton Filled With New Hope After Oscars Mix-Up

HOLLYWOOD – Tonight, La La Land was announced the winner of the Oscar for best picture. It was however, not the winner for best picture. Halfway through LaLa Land’s acceptance speech, it was announced that Moonlight had actually won the…

TRUMP U

Trump University Teaches Business Ethnics Class

SAN DIEGO, CA — Trump University recently settled a court case about the University’s controversial curriculum  and following this the details of the case were released to the public. One class that stood is a course in the  “Business Ethnics”…

trash

Westwood’s Top Five Garbage Piles Ranked!

The Westwood Village neighborhood is one of the most densely populated areas in LA. It’s populated exclusively by children slowly learning how to be less terrible. As a result, Westwood gets some pretty rad garbage piles. We at Satyr consider…

Trader_Joe's

Trump Bans Trader Jose’s Labels

WESTWOOD, CA – Trump’s presidency has been characterized by a series of divisive executive orders, including, the recent travel and refugee ban from several nations. However, next on his list is a similarly divisive order for Angelenos who take Trader…

UCLA Pad That

DeVos to Turn UCLA into Small Thai Place

WESTWOOD – Many of our readers have been asking, “What does Betsy DeVos’s confirmation as Education Secretary mean for me specifically?” This morning DeVos made a statement that answered those questions. She stated that she plans to turn the University…

FullSizeRender

Ejector Seat Installed in Oval Office

Washington D.C.— Donald Trump was inaugurated as President of the United States two short weeks ago. Unbeknownst to him and his team, during his swearing in ceremony a group of highly trained individuals went into the office to Trump-proof. Among…

16409679_10208077555157003_477962349_o

5 Things You Can Paper Maché With Unused Daily Bruins

  If you’re like most UCLA students, you often happen upon large stacks of unread, untouched Daily Bruin newspapers on your way to class. We at Satyr have worked out some fun, crafty ideas for putting these abandoned papers to…

March_for_Women's_Lives_1

The Women’s March: Mansplained

In case you didn’t hear, last weekend, there was a “Women’s March”. For those of you who don’t know, a march is when people hold up signs and yell about things they are upset about. It’s not that efficient, but…

tall-woman-right-format

Why There Ought to be a Cap on Women’s Height

Internet idol, Milo Yiannopoulos, recently brought up the great point of needing a cap on the amount of women in science and math. This got me thinking: what else should women be restricted on for the good of mankind? Women’s…

15893947599_79d01c41fb_b-1

Behind the Supremacy: Breitbart’s Sexiest Contributors

Breitbart News Network, popularized and run by the newly-appointed Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon, has neglected to showcase their sexy contributors. I have finally put together the official “Breitbart’s Top 5 Sexiest Contributors List”. Though this list may be full of…

fatsal

Fat Sal’s Actually Mass Drunken Hallucination

WESTWOOD —  A recent investigation has uncovered that local eatery, Fat Sal’s, doesn’t actually exist. Sources have informed Daily Ruin that Fat Sal’s is not a real restaurant, but rather a mutual drunken hallucination shared by the entire UCLA community….

satyr-trumpthanksgiving

Trump’s Cabinet as Old Thanksgiving Leftovers

Here’s what’s left of our 6 favorite dishes that have been approved by the biggest turkey of them all, Donald. While they may not be the dishes you’re used to or even wanted, hopefully we’ll all get used to them….

27425862761_65bf83ed40_b

Man Confuses Sbarro Line for Trump Protest

Upon hearing the disappointing news of the election, Julian Friedl, a freshman at Santa Monica Community College, was extremely eager to take to the streets and voice his frustrations amongst other protesters. Last Saturday, he traveled to what he called…

15101821_1297343543657176_1528095779_o

QUIZ: Is Bruin Republicans Right for you?

Wondering if Bruin Republicans is the right fit for you? Take this quiz below and find out!  1 — How would you describe yourself? A) White. B) Criminal. 2 — What is your religious affiliation? A) Christian. B) Something else…

15045384_10207838233340377_397966625_o

My Time at a Protester Camp Out

Last Tuesday I was walking through Downtown Los Angeles when I happened upon a large group of haggard individuals living out of tents, cardboard boxes, and sleeping bags. I approached the group and noticed a stench of what at first…

satyr-snacks

5 Yummy Snacks in Trump’s America

Welp, seeing as things have turned out the way they have, we at Satyr want to offer some healthy, easily acquirable alternatives to food that you can survive on in the coming end of times: Old Cigarette Butts: These things…

14975749_1290317701026427_1451348711_o

Everything On Fire

FIREY INFERNO, USA — Starting late last night around 11:00 P.M. PST, thousands of reports emerged across the nation that literally everything had suddenly burst into flames. All through the night, trees, buildings, and cars alike have all been officially…

hillaryjcrew

Hillary Clinton’s Emails Revealed to Be Deleted J-Crew Spam

**BREAKING NEWS** Hillary Clinton’s Deleted Emails Have Finally Been Revealed to be J.Crew Spam WASHINGTON D.C. — With the election just days away, another Congressional hearing was gathered to dig into presidential nominee Hillary Clinton’s deleted private emails. The results…

satyr-dismantle

Trump Decimates Republican Party, Makes America Great Again

WASHINGTON, DC — Sources just confirmed the embarrassing demise of the Republican party. Following what political historians are calling Trump’s “Pussygate” a few weeks ago, several Republican leaders jolted awake from their Reagan-era wet-dreams and publicly renounced their support for…

screen-shot-2016-10-30-at-6-30-26-pm

Numbers Indicate Trump and Clinton Own Same Set of Pant Suits

With upcoming election so close, we decided to look into the most important aspect of every candidate’s’ past: their fashion choices.  To our surprise we found something quite shocking.  Our presidential candidates may not share the same ideas on ISIS…

trump-vs-clinton

Inside the Empty Minds of Undecided Voters

As we draw closer to Election Day this November, the rift between Trump and Clinton continues to grow more and more divisive. Yet, despite these vast differences, over 19 million voters remain undecided. To better understand the mindset of these…

SATYR - Nonflusher

Serial Nonflusher Strikes Again at LuValle Commons

WESTWOOD, CA — Multiple reports confirm that a serial non flusher —one who seeks gratification by purposefully rejecting the practice of flushing and eliciting discomfort and suffering in unsuspecting bathroom goers—has struck again at Lu Valle Commons. After countless reports of…

SAYR - CNN

CNN Tweets We Wish Were Satire

With a twitter bio like “It’s our job to #GoThere and tell the most difficult stories. Come with us!” one could only hope for the most riveting, shocking, and hard-hitting stories to be featured on CNN’s page. That being said,…

SATYR- Captan America

Historical Inaccuracies in Captain America Civil War

Captain America: Civil War was a fine movie. I enjoyed it on a superficial level, but unfortunately the history buff in me couldn’t avoid noticing a couple glaring historical errors. Oh what was that? You were planning on going back…

SATYR - poop

1 in 5 people on Bruinwalk on Their Way to Poop

If you’ve ever been forced to flyer on Bruin Walk, you can attest to the fact that people rarely accept the flyers or even acknowledge your existence with casual eye contact. While prior studies have shown that most people simply…

SATYR- Larry David

Checked Out Voter Thinks Larry David is Running

NEVADA – Nevada resident Kent Bradley was confused and taken aback this past Saturday after attempting to vote for Larry David in the Nevada Democratic Caucus only to find the two options on the ballot were Hillary Clinton and Bernie…

SATYR-PC

PC ’s Get New Politically Correct Autocorrect

PALO ALTO — In an attempt to make Windows hipper than Apple, Bill Gates has recently given his software a new politically correct autocorrect feature. This new feature is all the rage among college students. Carlos Cortez, a college senior, …

SATYR-Christmas Trees-Execution-Slider

Christmas Trees Demand Trial Before Execution

THE WOODS — For years, Christmas trees have been brutally cut down without any chance to defend themselves or plead their case, but finally the laws have changed. Evergreen Pine v. Montana is the biggest movement for plant rights since…

SATYR-Regift-heart-slider

Man Takes Wham! Song Literally, Regifts Human Heart

  LOS ANGELES—Matthew Kilmer, diagnosed with coronary heart disease, woke up Thursday morning to an exciting early Christmas present—a heart that could potentially save his life. The life-saving heart did not come from Santa Clause but instead from 27-year-old organ…

SATYR-Sneezing-Car-Accident

Sneezing Number One Cause of Auto Accidents

LOS ANGELES – A study recently done by three extremely intelligent UCLA students found sneezing to be the number one cause of car accidents in the United States. The study was prompted by a surge in car accidents during cold…

SATYR-Minimum-Wage-Two-Bedroom-Slider

Minimum Wage Scum Want Two Whole Bedrooms

Recently, the Communists at the National Low Income Housing Coalition flooded the internet with their pinko propaganda. They cited a statistic proclaiming, “There is no state in the U.S. where a 40-hour minimum wage work week is enough to afford…

SATYR-impeach-next-president

Group Already Forming to Impeach Next President

NASHUA, NH–In light of recent election polls showing who the potential candidates for the next US President will be, a group of true American patriots have formed in the swing state of New Hampshire vowing to impeach whoever is elected. Not…

obamacare

How Much Does Anyone Obamacare?

WASHINGTON—Last Tuesday, amid the government shutdown, Obamacare rolled out to all Americans who signed up for the program. As with most things involving the government and politics, Americans have been fervently talking about both, and no one understands anything about…