Tag: ucla

image

How To Not Jack Off In Front Of Female Colleagues

With the recent New York Times articles about Harvey Weinstein and Louis CK, we have started to notice a trend. It seems challenging for powerful balding, overweight, sad, scrubbly-shaven men in Hollywood to not jack off in front of women…

Untitled-4-01

On Opposite Day, Shrub Vomits On Student

  WESTWOOD, CA- For the students of UCLA, yesterday was Opposite Day and various things were happening out of the ordinary on The Hill. Last night, the Daily Ruin witnessed Opposite Day first-hand. Just as the first-year student Ricky Young…

suc5

Which Plant Would You Jack Off To?

Here are some sexy eligible side plants, for all you single or polyamorous fellows out there. If you are the cuffing type, however, here are some house plants. These plants are so sexy they would make you want to water them…

prezidents venn diagram (1)

If Trump Can Do It Why Can’t Kevin Spacey?

BALTIMORE—Kevin Spacey is one of the latest people to fall from grace amid a wave of powerful Hollywood figures accused of sexual assault.  On Monday, Netflix announced that House of Cards, Spacey’s television show, would suspend production until further notice,…

kid's korner art (1)

  Illustrated by Jakob Kiebach

Screen Shot 2017-10-31 at 11.35.30 AM (1)

  Illustrated by Colin Tandy

eugh

Four Types Of Girls Your Dad Hit On During Parents Weekend

Nothing could be better than a parents’ weekend at college: rekindling memories of a time of young love, restoring some passion into your parents’ marriage, and watching as your Father tanks the whole thing. While Mom talked to other parents…

schultzspooky

Which Ghost Is The Spookiest?

Halloween is coming and that means we’re gonna be seeing A LOT of ghosts out there. But not all ghosts are created equal. That’s why we’re gonna break down the spookiness level of these ghosts. Oh my god. This ghost…

sportsrape

Universities Start #ButHeWasGoodAtSports In Response To #MeToo

LOS ANGELES – Women everywhere have been using the hashtag #MeToo to share their experiences with sexual assault and harassment. Universities everywhere have started using the hashtag  #ButHeWasGoodAtSports to share their own experiences with sexual misconduct. A spokesperson from the…

cspan6yrolMARISAd

Lying Is OK, Learns Child Watching C-SPAN

BAKERSFIELD, CA— Kristen, a six-year-old kindergartener, watched C-SPAN every day for at least three hours for the past year.  It has helped to improve her vocabulary, making her the most aware kid in her kindergarten class.  C-SPAN also made her…

MickeyDs (1)

McDonald’s Milking Millennials For McNuggets

  Downey, CA – Everyone knows about the Ball, the Boot, the Bone, and the Bell – but McDonlad’s Inc. has a surprise for it’s chicken nugget fans. It will be introducing six new #relatable shapes of McNuggets some time…

fiatalfredo

Study Abroad Ruined My Life!

Hey guys, it’s Jenine, and, confession alert: study abroad ruined my life. I know what you’re thinking: what could twelve whole weeks of galavanting around a foreign country eating exotic foods and partying every other night have possibly ruined for…

sadmoji4

Emojis For Our New World Order

Emojis are fun ways to communicate your most common thoughts! A tiny salsa dancer says “Let’s have a girls night out!” Now that your most frequent thoughts are changing because of the current political climate, Emoji has released an update!…

TrueBruinWelcome

Op-Ed: Thousands Enraptured at Welcome To Bruin Life

  On Sunday September 25th 2017, all six thousand members of the Freshman class attended Welcome To Bruin Life, the final activity of UCLA’s True Bruin Welcome Week. As the students clamored into Pauley Pavilion, they glanced up at the…

my tablet is still broken

Translation Of A College Student’s Resume

Here’s how to make your summer internship, that your parents helped you get, sound a bit more impressive.   Resume—Revitalizing employee-to-employee work relationships via dynamic communication methods. Translation—Sending emails to Jessica in Marketing.   Resume—Decoding outdated documentation through the use…

download (1)

Five Minute Chainsmokers Lyric Challenge

I recently lost my AUX cord. As a result I’ve been listening to a lot of radio. And by radio, I really mean “The Chainsmokers.” That’s when I had an idea: the Five Minute Chainsmokers Lyric Challenge.  We gave everyone…

TigerWoodsSideOct2011

The Rise And Fall Of Tiger Woods Shown In Graphs

Tiger Woods’ most recent DUI got us thinking: what happened to the greatest golfer in the world?  Unsatisfied by Google searches alone, we decided to run the numbers for ourselves.  Below is the analytical, graphical representation of the rise and…

xucla_cover.jpg.pagespeed.ic.jdSvSgrEyk

Ways To Succeed At UCLA For Incoming Freshmen

The more bodily fluids you exchange, the better. Take that as you will. Select one fedora to wear outside, and another one to keep lying around just in case. You’ll feel a lot freer and more comfortable. Choose your favorite…

Kendrick_Lamar,_Bonnaroo_2012_(7373615438)

White People Listen To Damn. For Racial Debt

  Los Angeles–Kendrick Lamar’s fourth studio album, DAMN., was released on April 14 to rave reviews and critical acclaim. According to Lamar’s label Interscope Records, much of the album’s commercial success can be credited to white millennials buying the album…

spring-1211575_960_720

Spring Trends, Light Colors Heavy Treason

****TREND ALERT**** WASHINGTON, DC — This spring there are two new trends sweeping Washington DC: light colors and heavy treason! Everyone on the Hill is getting in on it. Michael Flynn, Jared Kushner and even president Donald Trump have all…

Trump_signing_order_January_27

Trumpcare Doctors Just Ask What You Think They Should Do

WESTWOOD — Under the replacement of the American Care Act, colloquially known as “Trumpcare”, licensed physicians have been advised to just start asking patients to tell them what medical action to take. The designers of the bill hope that this…

12766804353_ac87c68575_b

Every College Social Group Claims Coke To Be Their Thing

Spring is in the air at UCLA, but allergies aren’t the only reason why students across campus have bloody noses. Whether it be your sorority’s pinning or your hipster-infused paint party, each self-segregated clique thinks they have their own special…

slovenpu

USAC Representatives Study Abroad In Russia

WESTWOOD— Government ties to Russia persist as reports reveal several USAC members recently studied abroad in Moscow, Russia. According to USAC General Representative Justin Jackson, the trip was taken “only to fulfill GE credits.” However, the information leak has prompted…

shrub

White House Press Room Podium Replaced With Bush

Washington―In the latest shake-up the Trump administration has made to the White House, Sean Spicer has decided to replace the historic podium in the press room with a bush. The decision comes after the suspicious timing of the firing of…

web.ns_.siegel.JHan_-640x426

USAC President Named Honorary Member of Sig Ep

WESTWOOD – After a picture surfaced of USAC president Danny Siegel making a Blood gang sign, the fraternity Sigma Phi Epsilon has offered him an honorary membership. The fraternity, famed for hosting a tasteful “Kanye Western” party last year, sees…

cigarettes-991227_960_720

Report: 67% Of Nation’s Cigarette Smokers UCLA Art Students

LOS ANGELES—In a study published this Tuesday, researchers at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine revealed that 67% of cigarette smokers across the country are currently studying within the UCLA School of the Arts and Architecture. “Our studies indicate…

ZBT

ZBT Eats Couches

WESTWOOD – Daily Ruin recently noticed a strange phenomenon occurring on Strathmore. The fraternity ZBT has not one, not two, not three, not four, but five** partially destroyed couches sitting on their porch. According to our sources, the only explanation…

18049561_10208675820553264_1856558776_o (1)

North Korean Missile Gets Too Excited, Blows Early

PYONGYANG —North Korea attempted its fifth missile launch of the year, on Saturday, following the annual Day of the Sun Parade, in which military equipment is driven through the capital city as a show of force.  It appears that the…

5440606864_0aab68cba6_b

Donald Trump Officially Declares Twitter War

WASHINGTON—In response to months of escalating criticism, President Donald Trump has officially declared Twitter war on 25-year-old Denver resident, Marc Gillis (@ReturnoftheMarc269), becoming the first American president to do so. The declaration was released only minutes after Gillis’ latest tweet…

5268236456_c6f9dcb39a_b

Experts Report Fun Part Of College Over Now

WESTWOOD, CA  — Popular perception of the American college experience as portrayed by the media is what experts describe as “fun” for “young people”. However, now that the first week or so of the new quarter has passed, researchers out…

bjc

Students Disappointed Dance Marathon Failed to Cure AIDS

WESTWOOD—With Dance Marathon 2017 coming to a close, students have left the stale air of Pauley Pavilion exhausted and empty-handed. The Pediatric AIDS Coalition (PAC), even with hundreds of thousands of dollars donated, was unable to find a cure for…

kendall-jenner-pepsi

How to Solve Global Conflict Like Kendall Jenner

Pepsi’s latest ad made two things very clear: we all want Kendall Jenner’s ability to rock two tone skinny jeans and her ability to quickly solve political conflict stemming from centuries of socio-economic inequality and institutionalized racism. Here’s how you…

sub

NEW Alt-Right Subscription Box!

Monthly subscription box services are on the rise as people love getting curated items shipped right to their door. Now, from the makers of Birch Box, comes the next best subscription box service! In collaboration with Breitbart News and the…

hoverboard

Hoverboarders Have Hovered South For The Winter

WESTWOOD, CA – UCLA has recently experienced a drastic decline in its native Hoverboarder population (scientific classification: Hovundus Boradus) beginning in the later end of Fall Quarter. Biologist have just discovered that hundreds of Hoverboarders have hovered South for the…

636163778335445049-uk-ucla-shush-1

Satyr’s Guide To The NCAA Tournament

March Madness is sweeping across the nation! As millions of fans fill out their brackets in anticipation of Thursday’s first-round tip off, we’ve highlighted our main contenders, bracket-busters, and nausea-inducers. Who you got?   Duke—Led by fiery guard Grayson Allen,…

SATYR Nervous tick

5 Cute Nervous Ticks To Try This Finals Season

 1. Nervous Eye Twitch The Nervous eye twitch is the “red lip classic” of nervous twitches. When you walk into a room and notice a girl twitching, you know she was brought up with class. There’s a casual elegance about…

Trader Jose

Trump Mistakes Trader José for Immigrant, Looks to Deport

WESTWOOD, CA —Trump’s presidency has been characterized by a series of divisive executive orders, including a travel ban affecting several majority-Muslim nations. However, next on his agenda is a similarly divisive order, as the next target of the ban will…

rain

Rain Stopped

WESTWOOD, CA — It dry out. Was wet. Not wet now. Rain for so long. Sad. Clouds. No more.

IMG_0007

Do You Love Me?

Do you love me? -Yes -No   Really? -Yes -No   Are you sure? -Yes -No   What if I make this silly face? -Yes -No   Wow, you must really love me. Do you love me on a sad…

pledge

Frat Pledge Or Mormon Missionary: A Helpful Guide

For all those times you’ve encountered a friendly group of well dressed white men, and have been confused as to whether they were spreading the word of Jesus Christ or on their way to a beer pong tournament. Here is…

girlfriend

Study Shows That Girlfriend Is Probably Just Fine

SEATTLE — In a study published this Tuesday, researchers at the University of Washington revealed that your girlfriend is “probably just fine,” despite the fact that you missed her birthday party last Saturday. “Although you’ve been dating for nearly four…

planets

Newly Discovered Planets Ask Humans to Leave Them Alone

WASHINGTON DC – On Wednesday, February 22, NASA announced that it had discovered three possibly habitable earth-sized planets in the TRAPPIST-1 system, igniting the scientific community and the world. Life existing on other planets has always been in question, however,…

smokin

Experts Say 2017 Best Time To Start Smoking Again

LOS ANGELES– A recent study from the UCLA Geffen School of Medicine indicates that in light of the current United States political climate, right now is a better time than ever for Americans to take up smoking again. We reached…

SATYR - Oscar Mix Up

Hillary Clinton Filled With New Hope After Oscars Mix-Up

HOLLYWOOD – Tonight, La La Land was announced the winner of the Oscar for best picture. It was however, not the winner for best picture. Halfway through LaLa Land’s acceptance speech, it was announced that Moonlight had actually won the…

TRUMP U

Trump University Teaches Business Ethnics Class

SAN DIEGO, CA — Trump University recently settled a court case about the University’s controversial curriculum  and following this the details of the case were released to the public. One class that stood is a course in the  “Business Ethnics”…

trash

Westwood’s Top Five Garbage Piles Ranked!

The Westwood Village neighborhood is one of the most densely populated areas in LA. It’s populated exclusively by children slowly learning how to be less terrible. As a result, Westwood gets some pretty rad garbage piles. We at Satyr consider…

Trader_Joe's

Trump Bans Trader Jose’s Labels

WESTWOOD, CA – Trump’s presidency has been characterized by a series of divisive executive orders, including, the recent travel and refugee ban from several nations. However, next on his list is a similarly divisive order for Angelenos who take Trader…

UCLA Pad That

DeVos to Turn UCLA into Small Thai Place

WESTWOOD – Many of our readers have been asking, “What does Betsy DeVos’s confirmation as Education Secretary mean for me specifically?” This morning DeVos made a statement that answered those questions. She stated that she plans to turn the University…

FullSizeRender

Ejector Seat Installed in Oval Office

Washington D.C.— Donald Trump was inaugurated as President of the United States two short weeks ago. Unbeknownst to him and his team, during his swearing in ceremony a group of highly trained individuals went into the office to Trump-proof. Among…

Blind 2

Ableist UC system flaunts its eyesight

I have long advocated for the prohibition of ableist language from California campuses and now I’ve set my sights on a certain type of ableist rhetoric. Visionist terms, i.e. those that empower the seeing at the expense and marginalization of…

16409679_10208077555157003_477962349_o

5 Things You Can Paper Maché With Unused Daily Bruins

  If you’re like most UCLA students, you often happen upon large stacks of unread, untouched Daily Bruin newspapers on your way to class. We at Satyr have worked out some fun, crafty ideas for putting these abandoned papers to…

5684321921_75a8e4e7db_b

Russia Hacks Walmart’s Speaker System

OWENSBORO, KENTUCKY — Yesterday a local Walmart’s PA system broadcasted a strange message. According to the employees and shoppers present, it sounded as if the message was broadcast in Russian. Investigators have tied this incident to a number of other…

ucla

Poll: Where is Perloff Hall?

Another campus legend? Satyr questioned students across campus to answer one of the university’s greatest quandaries—where is Perloff Hall? What is your take?       “I think it’s pronounced Royce” — Martha Simmons, Linguistics major          …

March_for_Women's_Lives_1

The Women’s March: Mansplained

In case you didn’t hear, last weekend, there was a “Women’s March”. For those of you who don’t know, a march is when people hold up signs and yell about things they are upset about. It’s not that efficient, but…

SATYR-Altfacts

10 UCLA Alternative Facts

Gene Block is super involved. People see him as a father figure. I invited him to my little sister’s Bat Mitzvah. USAC is effective and transparent. Everyone knows what they do. In fact we all say hello to our USAC…

finance

Finance Intern Finally Promoted to Recipient of Abusive Banter

NEW YORK, NY — Keith Peters, a soft-spoken finance intern at Goldman Sachs, was elated by his promotion to being the recipient of abusive banter from higher-ups. “I’m doing advanced coursework in business-economics with a minor in maintaining a servile…

golden globes

Why Moonlight Winning a Golden Globe Ends Racism Forever

LOS ANGELES, CA – 2016’s film awards show season was characterized by heavy criticism of the fact that there were no films by black directors or black actors nominated for awards. Awarding Moonlight with the Golden Globe for Best Drama…

tall-woman-right-format

Why There Ought to be a Cap on Women’s Height

Internet idol, Milo Yiannopoulos, recently brought up the great point of needing a cap on the amount of women in science and math. This got me thinking: what else should women be restricted on for the good of mankind? Women’s…

15893947599_79d01c41fb_b-1

Behind the Supremacy: Breitbart’s Sexiest Contributors

Breitbart News Network, popularized and run by the newly-appointed Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon, has neglected to showcase their sexy contributors. I have finally put together the official “Breitbart’s Top 5 Sexiest Contributors List”. Though this list may be full of…

fatsal

Fat Sal’s Actually Mass Drunken Hallucination

WESTWOOD —  A recent investigation has uncovered that local eatery, Fat Sal’s, doesn’t actually exist. Sources have informed Daily Ruin that Fat Sal’s is not a real restaurant, but rather a mutual drunken hallucination shared by the entire UCLA community….

satyr-trumpthanksgiving

Trump’s Cabinet as Old Thanksgiving Leftovers

Here’s what’s left of our 6 favorite dishes that have been approved by the biggest turkey of them all, Donald. While they may not be the dishes you’re used to or even wanted, hopefully we’ll all get used to them….

15101821_1297343543657176_1528095779_o

QUIZ: Is Bruin Republicans Right for you?

Wondering if Bruin Republicans is the right fit for you? Take this quiz below and find out!  1 — How would you describe yourself? A) White. B) Criminal. 2 — What is your religious affiliation? A) Christian. B) Something else…

15045384_10207838233340377_397966625_o

My Time at a Protester Camp Out

Last Tuesday I was walking through Downtown Los Angeles when I happened upon a large group of haggard individuals living out of tents, cardboard boxes, and sleeping bags. I approached the group and noticed a stench of what at first…

satyr-snacks

5 Yummy Snacks in Trump’s America

Welp, seeing as things have turned out the way they have, we at Satyr want to offer some healthy, easily acquirable alternatives to food that you can survive on in the coming end of times: Old Cigarette Butts: These things…

14975749_1290317701026427_1451348711_o

Everything On Fire

FIREY INFERNO, USA — Starting late last night around 11:00 P.M. PST, thousands of reports emerged across the nation that literally everything had suddenly burst into flames. All through the night, trees, buildings, and cars alike have all been officially…

hillaryjcrew

Hillary Clinton’s Emails Revealed to Be Deleted J-Crew Spam

**BREAKING NEWS** Hillary Clinton’s Deleted Emails Have Finally Been Revealed to be J.Crew Spam WASHINGTON D.C. — With the election just days away, another Congressional hearing was gathered to dig into presidential nominee Hillary Clinton’s deleted private emails. The results…

satyr-dismantle

Trump Decimates Republican Party, Makes America Great Again

WASHINGTON, DC — Sources just confirmed the embarrassing demise of the Republican party. Following what political historians are calling Trump’s “Pussygate” a few weeks ago, several Republican leaders jolted awake from their Reagan-era wet-dreams and publicly renounced their support for…

screen-shot-2016-10-30-at-6-30-26-pm

Numbers Indicate Trump and Clinton Own Same Set of Pant Suits

With upcoming election so close, we decided to look into the most important aspect of every candidate’s’ past: their fashion choices.  To our surprise we found something quite shocking.  Our presidential candidates may not share the same ideas on ISIS…

fullsizerender-2

Greek Life Already Dusting Off Offensive Costumes

WESTWOOD — The seasons are changing and freshman biology majors everywhere are transforming into sexy cats. It’s the Halloween season again and our sources have confirmed that Greek Life is already dusting off their offensive Halloween costumes. “It’s just kind…

SATYR - Nonflusher

Serial Nonflusher Strikes Again at LuValle Commons

WESTWOOD, CA — Multiple reports confirm that a serial non flusher —one who seeks gratification by purposefully rejecting the practice of flushing and eliciting discomfort and suffering in unsuspecting bathroom goers—has struck again at Lu Valle Commons. After countless reports of…

SAYR - CNN

CNN Tweets We Wish Were Satire

With a twitter bio like “It’s our job to #GoThere and tell the most difficult stories. Come with us!” one could only hope for the most riveting, shocking, and hard-hitting stories to be featured on CNN’s page. That being said,…

SATYR - Sportsbra

Satyr Writers Take on Wooden’s Anti Sports Bra Policy

The John Wooden Center has a strict policy stating students must wear shirts over their sports bras. Any student attempting to work out in a sports bra is asked to cover their overly provocative bare abdomen or leave immediately. Last…

SATYR- Captan America

Historical Inaccuracies in Captain America Civil War

Captain America: Civil War was a fine movie. I enjoyed it on a superficial level, but unfortunately the history buff in me couldn’t avoid noticing a couple glaring historical errors. Oh what was that? You were planning on going back…

SATYR- Capitalism

Urban Outfitters Releases New “Fuck Capitalism” Line

PHILADELPHIA – Urban Outfitters has recently released a “Fuck Capitalism ” collection to more accurately cater to their demographic of “18-24-year-old binge drinkers whose parents have money.” Since Bernie has been gaining so much momentum among America’s hippest youth, socialism…

fratsarecults2

New UCLA Frat Discovered to Be Offshoot of Local Cult

WESTWOOD — UCLA recently added a new frat to the row, the little known Delta Iota Epsilon. This addition initially brought excitement to the student population, but that excitement may not continue, as Delta Iota Epsilon has recently been exposed…

SATYR- caps

CAPS gets C+, Decides to Take Next Quarter Pass/No Pass

WESTWOOD, CA– In response to receiving a C+ from the University of California Student Association, UCLA Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPs) has decided to retake the evaluation in the Spring, but has opted to take it Pass/No Pass. “I just…

SATYR- Larry David

Checked Out Voter Thinks Larry David is Running

NEVADA – Nevada resident Kent Bradley was confused and taken aback this past Saturday after attempting to vote for Larry David in the Nevada Democratic Caucus only to find the two options on the ballot were Hillary Clinton and Bernie…

UCLA Trophies

UCLA Caught Inventing Sports to Increase NCAA Titles

WESTWOOD– UCLA was suspended from the National College Athletic Association this week after it was revealed in an expose by the Daily Bruin that some of their championship titles were actually from sports and activities that UCLA had invented. UCLA…

SATYR-PC

PC ’s Get New Politically Correct Autocorrect

PALO ALTO — In an attempt to make Windows hipper than Apple, Bill Gates has recently given his software a new politically correct autocorrect feature. This new feature is all the rage among college students. Carlos Cortez, a college senior, …

SATYR-Jetzo-Zane-slider

JETZO

  Check out JETZO. They are a clowning based improv group with drop in classes at the improv space once a month. *This is not recommended for those with a fear of clowns, improv or two men pretending to be from…

SATYR-Christmas Trees-Execution-Slider

Christmas Trees Demand Trial Before Execution

THE WOODS — For years, Christmas trees have been brutally cut down without any chance to defend themselves or plead their case, but finally the laws have changed. Evergreen Pine v. Montana is the biggest movement for plant rights since…

SATYR-Regift-heart-slider

Man Takes Wham! Song Literally, Regifts Human Heart

  LOS ANGELES—Matthew Kilmer, diagnosed with coronary heart disease, woke up Thursday morning to an exciting early Christmas present—a heart that could potentially save his life. The life-saving heart did not come from Santa Clause but instead from 27-year-old organ…

Flag_of_Afghanistan_(1880–1901).svg

UCLA Provides Softcore Porn to Students on the Hill

This year, UCLA graciously decided to offer its hill residents free subscriptions to HBO GO. I, like many students, mostly used this service to procrastinate and avoid any and all school work. However, after binge watching Game of Thrones, Silicon…

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

ASK Peer Counselors Shuts Down Despite Shocking Discovery

LOS ANGELES — In a school-wide email sent Monday morning, UCLA’s administration announced that the ASK Peer Counselor service would be discontinued at the end of fall quarter. “ASK Peer Counselors receive rigorous, costly training to prepare them to handle…

SATYR-Sneezing-Car-Accident

Sneezing Number One Cause of Auto Accidents

LOS ANGELES – A study recently done by three extremely intelligent UCLA students found sneezing to be the number one cause of car accidents in the United States. The study was prompted by a surge in car accidents during cold…

SATYR-Minimum-Wage-Two-Bedroom-Slider

Minimum Wage Scum Want Two Whole Bedrooms

Recently, the Communists at the National Low Income Housing Coalition flooded the internet with their pinko propaganda. They cited a statistic proclaiming, “There is no state in the U.S. where a 40-hour minimum wage work week is enough to afford…

SATYR-Waze-Traffic-Jam-Slider

Waze Traffic Jams Trying to Ruin You?

LOS ANGELES – A study published last week asserted that Waze and Google Maps are actually causing traffic. So many users are driving with these apps that suggested shortcuts turn into severe traffic jams. While many have enjoyed the whimsy…

SATYR-impeach-next-president

Group Already Forming to Impeach Next President

NASHUA, NH–In light of recent election polls showing who the potential candidates for the next US President will be, a group of true American patriots have formed in the swing state of New Hampshire vowing to impeach whoever is elected. Not…

United States Government Gives Up Turns to Crowdfunding

United States Government Gives Up Turns to Crowd Funding

  It’s that time of year again; the leaves are turning, children are donning sheets and becoming ghosts, and tensions within Congress are at an all- time high. But instead of jumping on board the emotional roller coaster that is…

Cover

Rating this Year’s USAC Candidates

We here at Satyr understand that you have a busy schedule, and that you don’t have the time or concern to understand where your tuition money is going. Instead of wasting your life actually researching candidates, we are here to give…

dininghallppl

If Dining Halls Were People

With its nationally recognized and award-winning dining halls, UCLA gives you plenty of options to treat yo’ self. The question is, to what? The dining options represent a vast array of culinary culture. Want organic food? Try Bruin Plate. Feeling…

UCLA_and_USC_flags

Janitors Seek To End “This Stupid Rivalry Bullshit”

LOS ANGELES— Groundbreaking news came out of Ackerman Union today, where UCLA and USC’s facilities departments held peace talks regarding the schools’ decades-long rivalry. “Look, we’re fans of football as much as the students,” said UCLA janitor Randy Brewster, “but…

ucregent

A Letter from the UC Regents

Dear California Undergraduate Student, You’ve probably already heard about our proposal to raise tuition. Our hope was that you’d receive this information directly from us instead of your politically active peers, but those pesky social justice kids always seem to…

Powell_Library,_UCLA

A Profession of Love

When I first heard about her, I didn’t think I had a chance. There were so many potential options, but she was the one for me. I worked hard to be near her and tried my best to do things…

AmishRakingHay

Amish Club Disbands due to Communication Difficulties

LOS ANGELES— News filtered in early Thursday morning that the well-renowned UCLA Amish Club issued a formal dissolution notice to USAC, citing “insurmountable difficulties in establishing open communication” that made it “impossible to conduct” club operations. A spokesman for the club blamed the downfall of the prestigious organization…

dsc04629

The Definitive UCLA Sorority Ratings

As I promised in my post from earlier I have taken it upon myself to compile the definitive UCLA sorority rankings. It was no small task, and I’ll have to be completely honest: coming into this whole process I forgot…

north korea

Tensions Rise In The People’s Republic Of North Campus

LOS ANGELES—After various rumors, sources now confirm that the Most Glorious People’s Republic of North Campus has launched multiple missile tests over the past few days. It is no secret that the inhabitants of the northernmost section of campus have…

Cliff_Wildes_NBA_sponsor_with_Donald_Sterling_owner_of_LA_Clippers

Sterling Addresses Racist Comments

LOS ANGELES—After TMZ leaked a conversation between Clippers owner Donald Sterling and girlfriend V. Stiviano, in which Sterling reportedly made numerous racist remarks, the old white guy issued a statement addressing the conversation. In the statement, Sterling denied telling Stiviano…

Vslider1

USAC Candidates Protect Right Of Rich To Student Government

LOS ANGELES—For the second year in a row, the majority of Undergraduate Students Association Council (USAC) candidates have united in their cause for the endowed to have a fair chance in student government elections. Of the 30 candidates running for…

070909 Chancellor Gene Block and wife photographed for ASUCLA Photo

A Letter from Gene Block

Friends, We can all agree that UCLA ranks highly among the best universities in the world. We have some of the most prolific researchers in the nation, working day and night, progressing the knowledge of humanity. Many of these researchers…

13796_10151190644316616_2035320810_n

Campus Climate Survey Reveals Favorable Weather at UCLA

LOS ANGELES—Last week, the Daily Ruin went out and asked UCLA students to share their opinions on the current campus climate, asking about their experiences regarding race, religion, and sexual orientation. “We’re proud to say that our campus enjoys beautiful weather…

This is, for the record, Hillary Rodham Clinton, 67th Secretary of State, wife of President Bill Clinton, leading candidate in the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination, Yale graduate, and, among other things, in possession of a Wikipedia page solely dedicated to her plethora of awards and nominations.

UCLA Completely Forgets Hillary Clinton Is Super Famous

LOS ANGELES—In an unprecedented display of gross incompetence, UCLA’s Central Ticket Office admitted earlier today that it forgot Hillary Clinton is a famous politician and inspirational role model for 95% of the world’s population.   This explains why CTO employees…

elevator-sign-in-white_427052

Expired Elevator Permits Raise Concern Of Supernatural Threat

LOS ANGELES—A recent article revealing that UCLA elevator permits have largely expired is renewing discussion over the ominous screeches, shaking, and organ music frequently experienced within these elevators. A UCLA Housing representative speaking on conditions of anonymity assured the Daily…

6881248

Football Player Signs Autograph, Satisfies Writing II Requirement

LOS ANGELES—Early Tuesday morning, Jermaine Bucknell emerged triumphant from Murphy Hall to raucous chants of “No more writing” and “General education out” instigated by his teammates. Bucknell, a running back for the UCLA Bruins, has become the first ever student…

mt. racial equality

Mt. Racial Equality: A Timeline of Racism at UCLA

  SOURCES: 2000s: Alleged discriminatory remarks leveled at minority faculty members such as “I thought Asian women were supposed to be submissive.” 2008: Upon seeing a newly hired professor, senior faculty members asks loudly, in front of a group of…

070909 Chancellor Gene Block and wife photographed for ASUCLA Photo

A Letter from Gene Block

EDITOR’S NOTE: The IT department at Satyr headquarters recently hacked into the email of Gene Block, UCLA’s Chancellor. The email, reprinted verbatim below, is a draft that has been sitting in his inbox since April 14, 2009. We decided that it…

1967 USC vs UCLA - Game of the Century

Janitors Seek To End “This Stupid Rivalry Bullshit”

LOS ANGELES—Groundbreaking news came out of Ackerman Union today, where the Facilities Departments of UCLA and USC held peace talks regarding the schools’ decade-long rivalry. “Look, we are fans of football as much as the students,” said janitor Randy Brewster,…