Ah, the wonders of the college dorm lounge. It is in this quintessential landscape that you can be sure to encounter an array of strange characters and a bevy of uncomfortable small talk. Have no fear though, dear reader, Satyr Magazine has meticulously developed a guide to identify the horrors that lurk within your lounge. Whether you are a veteran or a first-year, being able to classify the lounge’s most common visitors could very well save your life, or at least save you from forced social interaction.
The lounge is a naturally social place, but the conversationalist seems to have an opinion about every topic of conversation, and wants to make sure you hear it. Whether it’s a diatribe on what they thought about this week’s American Horror Story or an analysis of the outfit you are wearing, this fiend is ever verbose. While a brief chat with a lounge dweller can be pleasant, the conversationalist will push boundaries with their three-hour critique of B Caf’s Chunky Chicken Salad.
There are three open couches, yet the inchworm always finds their way onto yours. You scoot to one side, the inchworm takes three scoots the same way. This beast is characterized by a complete unawareness of personal space and quite often a lack of deodorant. Never before has sofa space or your discomfort been so maximized.
The Christopher Columbus
Is it 1492? No, but it very well could be because the Christopher Columbus has colonized the lounge with their personal belongings. Columbuses are not content to rule over just their dorm room, soon enough they will reign over all couches with their schoolwork, bags of Hot Cheetos, and loud reality television. They will claim manifest destiny if asked to make room for others.
The Gone Girl/Guy
No one quite knows what happened to the Gone Girl/Guy. You saw them the first week and they seemed nice enough, but after that their trail went cold. Did they transfer? Do they just stay in their room all the time? Did you Wizard of Oz it and dream the person up? You could have sworn you saw them in line at Diddy Riese or across the row from you in that one GE, but sightings are never conclusive. May reappear miraculously in the lounge during midterm or finals season.
Never will you be more annoyed by League of Legends. The gamer seems oblivious to the material world, which you may notice when they let out a guttural scream after destroying their opponents Nexus while you are in the middle of your math homework. Yet the more sinister variety of the gamer exists in the form of the board game gamer. Be assured you will hear hearty laughter over the latest Cards Against Humanity answers two floors away and at length analysis of an opponent’s move in the latest Settlers of Catan matchup.